Why Is Change So Difficult?
Last year my wife and I decided to take a few short breaks in the U.K. and get to know a number of cities well rather than one longer holiday. On one of these trips en-route to Cardiff, we stopped off close to the city of Bath. So we thought we’d take a look at Bath. We were more struck by this beautiful city than any other city we visited.
Bath has the most unique and distinctive architecture of any city I’ve visited. Click here to see some photos. One of the reasons for this is that almost all the buildings are made using a certain type of stone that is found close by.
Now suppose the planning committee of Bath decided that, for some reason that makes sense only to a committee, they wanted to rebrand Bath as a modern hi-tech city. They might lay out a plan for a city filled with glass skyscrapers and ultra modern designs.
It’s possible, though unlikely in a committee, that this decision could be born and developed in a night. But to bring it to fruition they would have to contact every building owner and sell them on their plan. Each building owner would have to be sufficiently sold on the value of the project to them to change what is already working for them to fit in with the new design.
It’s doubtful that you could ever change the majority of properties. Even to just make up the list would be time consuming. Then the hassle involved of trying to sell someone on an idea that seems to have little to do with them would be enormous and finally the co-ordination to get everyone on the same song sheet would be enormously draining.
Can it be done?
Yes some people have done it. Martin Luther King fought for civil rights.
photo credit: next sentence
Mother Theresa battled all obstacles to bring dignity to the dying. Nelson Mandela for years stuck to his belief that he could eventually bring unity to South Africa. You could find many more inspiring tales of people who against all odds achieved their dream. The film,’The Pursuit of Happyness’ is one such example of how intelligent perseverance can eventually bear fruit.
Now why the random discussion of Bath architecture?
I wasn’t really discussing Bath or it’s beautiful buildings. I was responding to Fred’s comment on why it can be that you can make a decision to change, yet it is so hard to get completely aligned to that change.
It’s not as simple as changing one or two beliefs, there’s a whole structure built towards one direction. Then suddenly you are changing direction, but the momentum will for some time carry you in the old direction. There are hundreds of beliefs and thoughts, that may seem unconnected, but have been layered onto old goals and ways of thinking. These have to adapt and buy into the new goal or you have to change your decision to fit in with the old way.
It’s like a test of how committed you are.
Will you give up when the going gets tough or are you truly determined?
Change….one of my “scary” words. I have never liked change. I looked at the house i grew up in on google street the other day and cried, It’s the only house in my whole street that has changed, and it hasn’t just changed, it’s not recognizable to me anymore. I think of all the things that are lost to me now, the footprints in the concrete my dad made when any of us kids had a mile stone or even chicken pox, the shed with the petrol pump and the cashiers window, the pool my dad built on his own, my tree house, my room….the strange letter box we had that dad spent 3 months building…..all gone forever, and i have to admit i had a strange feeling of anger toward the people who had bought it, and i thought “Don’t they care what they have destroyed?” it made me so upset, but then i had to get real. I had my moment of complete distress, I realised i was being over emotional and recited the line i have heard many times before over and over ” The only certainty in life is change, and without it, we would never move forward, never learn ,never grow, never see the good things that await. I know i have issues with change, i like to feel comfortable, in control…but i am realizing as i get older that change happens even when we think we are safe and in control, it’s happening constantly, the change we can’t hide from is always present and we have accepted that kind of change, there is nothing stagnant about life, i just need to accept the bigger kind of change ,the one i can’t hide from, i know i can only put it off for so long, it’s like your story of bath, in my life i need to move in a different direction, i know it , i feel it every day, but i am scared of all the hard work that comes with change, all the hard work it takes to let go of the old frame work, to knock all the buildings down, the sadness i will feel when i look back at what used to be there, the long road ahead….i need to look toward the bigger city that will stand in it’s place, the revamp that will take on a whole new look and the fact that that revamp, that change will one day become “old hat” and it will feel comfortable to me.
I would like to request you to discuss abouth handling situation wherein you need to let go of people whom you cared the most. How can you accept them to fade away from your life when it really makes you feel like your dying inside. I’m having such a hard time right now. I’ve been trying to do everything I can to accept reality as it that that person left and will have not back to me but I still seem to be trapped with the memories of the past.. it really is jsut seem very hard to move on.. Please let me know your thoughts on how you handle this kind of issues.
eiggam,
I feel for you and your pain. You are going through something I too have gone through. I am still not ‘whole’ for lack of a better word, but I do now know some things that won’t work. This is a little of “the blind leading the blind”, but just in case it helps you……
I’ve learned this:
-Hanging onto hopes that they will see your pain and respond by coming closer, doesn’t work. It only pushes them away faster.
-Resisting what has happened, as if that effort might turn back the clock, only keeps you stuck right where you are.
-Thinking that staying in the place you are because it’s ‘wrong’ to let it go, is your ego trying desperately to save face. This disrespects their reasons for leaving and isolates you more.
-Worst of all, if you are to have “any” chance to regain what’s lost, (if that is even a possibility), these thoughts will prevent you from being ready when that time comes. Your lack of movement forward in the meantime, will do more to keep that from happening than you might think.
For months I acted all of those ways I just described. Then there was a period when the door that had slammed shut earlier, opened a crack. I did not know at the time I was in her thoughts again. Because I had not moved on in any positive way(ego), changed the things I said I would(weakness), and taken the opportunity to really grow, I was not ready for the chance when it came. She saw more of the same and it only confirmed to her the reasons she had for moving on the first time. By the time the opportunity came, it was already too late
That realization eiggam, was almost as painful as the initial leaving, because I knew that I had wasted much more than time. The very thing thing I wanted so much, I had actually taken part in pushing away again.
Now when I think of all I lost (like you do now), I TRY to also think of all the potential opportunities like that, that I may lose the chance to have down the road. Whether that includes the one you lost or something else that you come to value, the heartache you’ll feel at that point will make all the ego, righteousness and resisting you’ve done, seem very unenlightened.
I can sense you feel unbearable pain. But let me assure you there are ways to make it worse and none of them will get you what you wish to have right now.
Keep searching eiggam, but don’t let your search become a gaze. As the saying goes, “go ahead and pray, just don’t forget to keep moving your feet”.
Take care eiggam.
[...] Brian: eiggam, I feel for you and your pain. You are going through something I too have gone through. I am still not… [...]
Eiggam,
See http://livewithoutconflict.com/blog/2008/09/10/getting-over-a-relationship/
Hi Brian,
I’m grateful that you shared to me what you had experience and been nice to emphatize with my pain.
I am having quite a hard time as to how to describe the situation I am in, I saw your comments and those experiences you mentioned truly makes sense to me.
I am still in this road, guess it would really takes time to get healed or for me to accept reality or the changes that drastically happening to me after the loss. I really wish that I may able to find myself back and hoping that you will also be able to recover from this pain.
Thank you again for an eye opener comment.
take care Brian.