After the last couple of week’s posts, I feel a little like I’m going through a Freudian Analysis.  Whilst I was writing about how I learned to cope with stress there were 5 points that jumped out at me that would be essential for someone wanting to be able to process events quickly and with minimal stress.  At one point I was going to just publish these instead of that post, but then I thought the stories and incidents might help to mesh the ideas together.  Now then, I’ll detail the key points for anyone wanting to master the art of stress management.

When people are in a troubling situation, they have almost always been travelling along a certain path that is causing a problem.  In other words, people don’t wake up one morning three stone heavier.  The weight has been slowly gaining, but within the boundaries of their comfort zone so they never paid attention to it.  Someone, more sensitive to their size, would have acted much quicker and so the problem would have been easier to tackle in the first place.

photo credit: JasonRogers

Emotionally the same dynamics apply.  What happens is that people continue in their habitual way until it becomes such a big problem that they are aware of it.  Now they are in pain and also battling against their familiar habits of behaviour.  So it’s a much harder problem to deal with.  Let’s use a physical analogy to make the point clearer.

A few years ago, I took my kids to the park.  It was stacked out and all the parking spaces were taken and so cars had started to park up on the grass.  Like a good little sheep, I followed suit and we got out played and fed the ducks.  

Then we got in the car and realised I hadn’t considered how much it had recently rained.  The car wouldn’t reverse.  It just kept kicking up mud.  But I could go forward, so I did hoping I could turn around.  I couldn’t.  In the end, we wound up in the middle of the park.  Further than where we started and worse off.  The more I revved, the bigger the rut I dug for myself.

photo credit: Kentfield

And that is how many people find themselves emotionally.

Now I got so stuck, that I ran out of ideas and hope.  It was getting dark and we were far from home.  I ended up ringing the RAC to get towed out.  But they sent a normal van and I was embarrassed at how easily he negotiated his way out driving my car.  

Now when people start to read a book or articles about stress, they are often stuck in an emotional rut.  And so reading it would be a little like the RAC Man talking to me on the phone.  He knew instinctively what to do when he saw the situation, but on the phone he would only be able to give me vague, general advice.  And as I had so little knowledge on the subject, I couldn’t give him a clear picture of what the situation was.  So he had to adjust as he judged the lay of the land. 

Likewise, when someone writes a book or an article, they are not speaking to your specific situation.  As an example, if I was writing a letter to you and knew the full details I would phrase it differently, put it in different imagery or talk about very different concepts.  But what often happens is that someone tries to apply every idea they come across to a situation they haven’t really understood yet.  It’s a bit like wanting a magic wand without developing any skill.

That’s why self help books are so popular.  Because they promise the magic pill, the silver bullet to solve all problems.

photo credit: VirtualErn

Yet the truth is these will work in some situations at some times.  But to think that one book, one course or one methodology is the key to every situation would be much like a Doctor giving out one pill to every single Patient.  It will work 1 or 3 per cent of the time because in those cases, it fits the exact illness and profile that it works for.  But it’s only through luck.

More certainty in getting results takes practice and expertise.  It takes training, just as a Doctor needs training to diagnose and prescribe a course of treatment.  If you are in a hole that you really need to get out quickly then you either need to undergo intensive training or pay someone such as a Coach or a Therapist who has put in the hours, to guide you to restructure your thoughts as a temporary measure, until you can do it for yourself.

People fall for the sales pitches and the hyped nonsense of books and courses that are framed and designed for their ability to maximise the Author’s wealth.  You can’t read Rich Dad, Poor Dad and be transformed into a Magnate any more than reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus will make your relationships perfect.  

A good book or course will give you one main message or idea.  It’s one tool.  To think that will then equip you for all the possible situations life can throw at you is the equivalent of a Carpenter thinking all he needs is a hammer.

photo credit: Micah Sittig

The truth is that it takes training and practice to get proficient at anything.  And because you do have a lot of experience, with conscious focused training, you can pick these skills up quicker than medical training or computer programming.  But it isn’t a natural ability.

It reminds me of my time running a gym.  You’d get people who’d never exercised in 20 or 30 years and were surprised that they were weak and unfit.  It works the same way emotionally.  If you have never really devoted much time to minimising stress, developing close relationships and finding out what you’re about then it is going to take a period of adjustment and training.

I’ve just finished reading a fantastic book called Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell.  In it he demolishes the myth of natural brilliance and discusses how research shows that genius level performance takes 10,000 hours in any field.

Now you don’t need 10,000 hours of stress management training to live peacefully, (for enlightenment maybe) but you do need enough to alter the structure of your brain.  Then it becomes automatic and natural.  But the hardest part is always the initial steps.  Every subject seems boring until you know enough to be interested in it.  And the more you know about it, the more passionate you will become about a topic.

And the topic of living with less stress or the topic of relating to others are like eating and exercising.  You don’t really have a choice.  You can remain ignorant of the many delights of the art of bee-keeping with little ill effect.  But if you don’t learn to look after yourself physically and emotionally, you’re in for a tough time.  Sure you can eat all the junk you want and never exercise, but you’ll pay for it in lack of mobility and physical discomfort.  

photo credit: Raúl A.

Likewise, if you don’t learn how to handle stress and how to get along well with others your life will be in continual turmoil and emotional discomfort.

Key Point 1: It takes training to be better able to cope with stress

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