Should We Be Better Or Happy As We Are?
After the last post I was asked a couple of questions. I love these questions because they force me to explain more clearly and precisely. Here I’m answering Craig’s question, there will be a separate post for Jenny’s. But for now here’s Craig’s comment.
- So, if ‘bettering ourselves’ means that we first need to look at ourselves and be happy about what we already have, then there would be no need to better ourselves! How then do we determine a reality (I’m trying to avoid the word ‘weakness’ or ’shortcoming’) in ourselves and what is the best way to change this part of ourselves?
Craig, bettering yourself implies you need to find the final piece of the jigsaw. So people go off on a quest for a ‘Holy Grail’ which doesn’t exist.
There’s two parts to being ‘better’. When I wrote the last post, I only had one in mind.
There is better in the sense that a Saint is more kindly, compassionate and warmer to be around than a cold-blooded murderer. Most of us, don’t kill others or give unconditional love, but we are sometimes more generous and kinder than other times.
The second type of better is able to do something. The lack of which holds us back from where we want to get to and causes us a problem.
If you have a problem or weakness, the issue is that maybe you didn’t do as well as you could have done. Or perhaps you needed to develop specific skills that would make you better skilled.
But there is a big difference between bettering yourself and developing better skills.
The problem is that people have this image where they rank someone higher than another’. Maybe because she’s prettier or he’s more intelligent. It’s a common phrase for people to say, ”Í want to better myself.” By which they mean earn more money, gain a job with more social status, become a someone, rather than a nobody.
But people are all equal in worth.
Unique, yes.
Completely different skills and even value to Society, as Society values worth. But these are all a reflection of the Society we are in. A few hundred years ago, Dutch Society valued Tulips as more valuable than many houses. Many Societies value men more than women. Does that make men better?
This relates to the difference between confidence and self-esteem, at least as I define them.
Confidence is how well you rate your chances at doing something. You can be confident at academic tests and have no confidence in social situations. It’s specific to one area.
Self-esteem is how worthy you value yourself overall.
So if you suck at driving, but want to pass your test, you need to improve your driving skills. But being a better driver won’t make you a better person.
Craig said;
So, if ‘bettering ourselves’ means that we first need to look at ourselves and be happy about what we already have, then there would be no need to better ourselves!
What is unhappiness?
Stress, frustration, anger, despair?
Where is your mind’s focus in those times?
It’s obsessing on what has happened or what could happen. So how effectively can you learn a new skill when 50-80% of your mind is somewhere else?
Equally if you are unhappy and someone asks something of you, doesn’t it just seem like another burden to you?
Aren’t you resentful, angry or self-pitying about it? ”How could she ask me that? Doesn’t she know how hard this is for me?”
In contrast when you’re happy where’s your focus?
Right in the now. So learning is easier and more effective because you’ve got more attention on it.
And if the exact same interpersonal situation caught you in a happier mood wouldn’t you be delighted at the chance to make someone happy?
Being happy makes you see situations differently. It’s like looking at the same thing with rose tinted glasses versus without. You see different things. When you’re unhappy you see the trouble and bother, what might go wrong and don’t feel like doing it. When you’re happy you see solutions, what can be done and get enthusiastic about doing it.
well i realy love your tips ………..want more…
Thanks, Riddhi. There’s lots more to come.
Hello Rob,
I agree with you about bettering yourself. You can become a happier person without constantly striving for all the stuff.
I know I had all the “stuff” and gained it and lost it several times.
Know what?
Didn’t make a bit of difference in my happiness.
I really do enjoy your e-mails, and find them inspirational and reaffirming. So often I am berated for my happiness and humor in life, I am glad I don’t travel the road laughing at life happening alone.
Thank you Rob.
Sincerly,
Paula
Rob you are a wise man, and I wish that everyone could see how you do. I strongly agree everyone is equal, but why is it that society, with TV and what not, tells us how we should be? Why should anyone have to conform to be welcomed? I won’t lie. I’ve been searching for true happiness for a long time now, and I see just one thing in my way. Everyones’ greed. To me it seems that I have to better other peoples’ lives before I can better my own, meaning I have to satisfy someones greed before I can live how I want to live (no I don’t need money to live, I need money to live legally). Would you say that’s accurate?
I have posted a reply to your question here;
http://livewithoutconflict.com/blog/2008/10/20/true-happiness-the-formula-revealed/
I really agree with this post. This is somethin I was reviewing in my head over and over today. I think I always define people as better or worse. Can’t help it. Is it human instinct I wonder? To say, she is prettier, she is smarter, and funnier than me…therefore she is BETTER.
Which I know is wrong…
anyway I was goin to make a completly different point. I was going to say: You didn’t really answer your question :S:S:S Do you mean- it depends? doing better at something is great but we should try to do things that make us happy–because the point in life is to be as happy as we can?
We are built to compare and contrast, so it’s a natural tendency. But it becomes misused when we judge people on just a few attributes and dismiss those who rank lower on those attributes.
Doing better, being better,personal development, self improvement etc All these things imply that we aren’t good enough. As if we are here to fix flaws in our design.
Doing things won’t make us happy. What makes us happy is being ourselves more fully. Mari and I covered this in our conversation here;
http://livewithoutconflict.com/blog/2008/10/14/mari-perron-interview/
I believe that we need to look at things and people to learn and improve on ourselves.NOT JUDGE but see what we can improve in our own life. If we dont improve on ourselves i belive we dont save a room for growth and thats when we loose ourselves in fairytales and when reality hits in we tend to loose it even the little bit of happiness we have. I somehow believe happiness requires a balance of life. tell me if im wrong in believing that happiness cant be measured but can be treasured?
They say happiness is when whatever you do and think are in hormoney.You might build castles in the air only but if does not happen in reality then our happiness is shattered.