Money And Stress: My Personal Conflict
Following on from the last post of why so much free stress information, I’m now going to detail the next stage of the story.
So if you remember I’d come to a point where I’d felt that I couldn’t live with integrity and hold back information. Where we got up to in the story was essentially up to now, where I give away the information freely. However this has some drawbacks and limitations. Let me explain.
I’ve been able to reach a place where I love the thrill of life. Very little bothers me or upsets my emotional equilibrium. And nothing for very long.
I don’t have a knot of tension in my stomach, but I do often have a ball of excited energy that wants to bound through life making all the ideas in my head come into physical reality right now.
I don’t experience worries that keep me awake at night. But I do get so excited by new ideas and possibilities that I have to get up and get started on them.
photo credit: Jacob Bøtter
Through years of focus I now live much of my time in a zone of life that makes the mundane details of everyday life seem desperately bland compared to the peaks. You see, the quality of your life depends completely on how engaged and focused you are. It doesn’t matter what you do, what matters is how immersed into that activity you are.
Nowadays to do anything with less than total focus is like watching a black and white film. Let me give you a concrete example. My wife and kids love to watch certain programs on tv. But I find it so passive that it bores the life out of me. I do still enjoy watching some tv. I use it when I need a change of focus to rest. But I watch certain programs, such as Lost, 24 or Prison Break. And I watch it, alone, with complete focus. Because every distraction, lowers engagement and so diminishes the enjoyment.
I can notice the difference in relating to my children between when I’m fully engaged and when I’m distracted with other tasks. And so can they!
Most of the time we can have a great time. And these are filled with the kind of moments that you dream of when having children. Being told that you’re the best dad. Having them tell you what great fun they are having and so on. It doesn’t matter if they are in a terrible mood, when I’m fully engaged, because I have the tolerance and patience to go past that and overwhelm their negativity. But at other times, when there’s jobs around the house to do and so you cannot focus fully on them, well that can be hell. Then you get the tantrums and life descends into a battle of wills. That’s no fun for anyone.
Yet all around me I see people not even realising that this High Definition way of living is possible. People who are stuck fighting battles for fairness. Or sometimes even just jostling each other for whatever they can get. Their lives are a battleground of daily fighting. Feeling the contrast between fighting and living in peace, I know how much happiness someone is giving up, for the need to be right.
So here I am recognising how much discomfort most people live in and filled with enthusiasm for discovering even Higher Definition zones of living. And I do this by observing what other people do that makes them stressed or miserable. Because I know what one does, we all do. Tim Rowe and I discussed this recently. At the end of the second part of our stress and awareness call. Just to greater or lesser extents. Then I figure out where this is true in my life. Then I know what I am doing to lessen my happiness. This awareness then makes the solution obvious and so I upgrade my life.
And as I do so, I write about it so that everyone else that is interested can also gain awareness and upgrade their life. I think, we have probably all found that our interests seem a little odd. Most of the world today would rather focus their efforts on tv or on blaming others, than taking control of their life.
We are the Pioneers in High Definition living. So as we share our discoveries, we are providing a bridge so that in ten or twenty years, people who are at the stage we are at now, can find it easier to transition into a higher quality of living.
So the most exciting thing I can find to do is to explore what stops us from living at the highest levels of joy and share that with like-minded people. And I believe I have an aptitude for doing this and some success. It’s been fun to do as a hobby without any stress or pressure. However like all conflicted ideas it has reached a breaking point.
All living things, even ideas, either grow or decay. So I can either develop my work to go deeper, be more useful and clearer for people to follow. Or I can try to stand still and do more of what I have already done and become bored.
Quite frankly, I feel I’m failing you. I haven’t given all I could have.
I know people tell me kind words of how a post or idea helped them, but I know there is so much more I could do. Here am I with decades of experience, having observed thousands of people going through much the same journey, and an aptitude for accelerating the process.
Then there are millions of people who are going through a bad patch feeling confused, stuck and in emotional pain.
Sounds like an ideal match.
Ironically though, this conflict, about giving freely, has been holding me back from giving as much as I can. So I needed to address it.
For me to grow, I need a stream of people with problems that are motivating them to grow and solve them. One of the problems in having a free model is that it’s harder to generate visitors. You can’t advertise and it takes time and focus to position well in the search engines. Which comes at the cost of fresh content. Like most things in life, it’s possible to achieve over time, but quality of life is about the velocity of how quickly you can get up to speed with an idea and move onto the next one.
Why do I need to continually interact with new people with problems?
A friend of mine once told me, based on some profiling system he was into, that I am a Responder. I’ve reflected on this a lot and it’s very true. It is much harder for me to come up with things fresh, than to respond to what someone needs.
I am at my best in identifying, analysing and solving problems. The more diverse problems I can resolve, the better my whole level of work will be.
My writing, up to now, for the most part has been based on the big picture. Now I want to get into the details of how to live it. And so I need to be in the trenches and finding ways to make it easier to make the steps to the life you want. And so to do that I need enough time to clear other distractions. So I need to make this the way I make my living.
Distractions are expensive. I’ve read research that shows that it takes 20-40 minutes to get back to a task after being distracted and I believe it. Once your chain of thought is broken, it’s the mental equivalent of moving from one town to another.
My favourite quote from Einstein is the one about the solution is at a higher level of thought than the problem. The way I work, is based on achieving the highest quality emotional states that I can and seeing the problem from that level. And it takes uninterrupted focus to reach that state.
Freeing myself from distractions, then is like the difference between driving in heavy traffic, where you rarely get out of 2nd gear to driving on an open road, where you can sail along in 5th gear.
Furthermore, if this were an income generating model I could develop tools that train people into implementing the ideas until they become automatic. I could run multiple courses and mini projects so that there would be information on almost any problem or situation you face. I could use technology to create supportive communities. I would like to add in many more fresh ideas and perspectives, but at the moment the bottleneck is in how many I’m able to express.
Then I would like to present the ideas in better ways. Better presentation in terms of graphic design, in editing and also in framing ideas to make greater impact.
Since I get people asking to coach them all the time and with lots of people and moderate to large sized companies needing stress management programs, it shouldn’t be difficult for me to achieve these things. However to do this with integrity, I needed to resolve the internal conflict.
While I felt uncomfortable charging, I didn’t feel that people shouldn’t pay for what they wanted. It’s not as if I’m suggesting that capitalism is evil or that I don’t have any needs.
The real issue is holding people to ransom for information. I just find it distasteful when Doctors or Drug Companies or other businesses refuse to help anyone in dire need until they pay After the last post a couple of people suggested asking for donations. It was something I considered. It would be the ideal solution. A completely free exchange based on value given and received.
However I don’t believe it would work. It goes against human psychology. And the experiences of people I’ve talked to, who’ve used a donation model have born out my bias. I’ve used lots of free software programs and rarely donated to them. It makes paying an extra chore. Something has great value to you when you have a problem to solve, but is of little value when it’s all over and done with. I have added in the option to test my bias for a while, but I’d need a lot of proof before I trusted it to feed my kids.
If you recall the final nail in my selling my book and services came from A Course In Miracles. I searched high and low to find different perspectives to this conflict. But never came up with anything that truly resolved it until I returned to the source, ACIM. In a supplemental Pamphlet, Psychotherapy, Purpose, Process and Practice I found a section that expressly talks about the question of payment.
One rule should always be observed: No one should be turned away because he cannot pay. No one is sent by accident to anyone. Relationships are always purposeful. Whatever their purpose may have been before the Holy Spirit entered them, they are always His potential temple; the resting place of Christ and home of God Himself. Whoever comes has been sent.
Perhaps he was sent to teach the therapist how much he needs forgiveness, and how valueless is money in comparison. Again will both be blessed. Only in terms of cost could one have more. In sharing, everyone must gain a blessing without cost.
I already knew that my thinking was skewed on this issue. But I needed to be sure that I was actually resolving the issue and not just rationalising. The real issue comes down to fear and responsibility. I have always taken responsibility for things that really have nothing to do with me. And perhaps my greatest fear is that I might be paid and someone might not get the results they hoped for. Having worked with so many people, I’ve overcome my doubts that I won’t be able to help them move past the problem. I can’t always get it within ten minutes, but given time I have never yet failed to solve the issue.
However often people don’t want to accept the answer. Obviously I can’t do anything about that. There is something arrogant about wanting perfection and believing I have the responsibility for the changes that others make. No-one has ever had a 100% success rate. And my job is only to provide an easier choice for someone to make whether that is through the written word or through personal contact.
Anyway, I have now come to a resolution that makes me feel confortable with offering a paid premuim service. So going forward there will be some exciting and advanced courses. However the bulk of my work will be focused on working intensely with a rotating small group (Maybe 30-50) of people.
photo credit: David Hudson Floyd
They will get my full attention and my job will be to work with them to resolve their issues on demand as they crop up. For me this puts all my ideas and philosophy to a real time test under pressure. This is how I will be forced to respond to hundreds of problems. So for me this will be my Lab for identifying common threads and problems. Every course that I then bring out will be developed from this experience and observation.
But before I do this I want to do one more thing for free. The next post will explain in detail.
Since this has been a major issue for me to resolve. I’d really appreciate your perspectives either in comments, by email or through the contact form here.
I've wrestled with this conflict also. While I love giving freely and wish that that was enough to be successful, most people perceive more value and become more vested in self-change when they have to give up something for it. There is truth in the old adage "free advice is worth what you paid for it".
I have been getting and reading your perspectives for some time now, and Rob, I like your style! This post brought me to "post a comment". Not only do I appreciate the "free"ness of your service I love your naked truth, and your willingness to share that with others and open up to dialogue. There is value in following your heart, your inner guide, albeit many times I have felt very alone. Your site offers a way to speak and gather new perspectives in areas found confusing because the status quo just doesn't feel right. I have some areas in my life right now that I would love to put out there, on topics which I haven't seen on your sight. Are you up to a challenge? I think the answer is "Yes". Sincerely, Kari
Hi Rob, I empathise with your situation totally. (I'm even surprised at how similar we seem to be)____I know in the past, when I've been desperately in need of help, I've turned to free resources such as my library, or even saved my pennies to buy a certain book (especially if they have worksheets in them). I would never have thought to ask a professional for some of their precious free time.____Now that I am on the other side of the fence, I also want to be helpful to a large range of people. But the only free resources I plan are my articles online, and (frankly) some marketing materials such as free viral reports. And I am planning to write an affordable series of e-books and e-courses. Then I plan to tier upwards to more costly packages if there are folk who want more from me. ____My reasoning is that the more I am financially free, the more I can continue to do what I love to do, and to do it better. ____Keep up the great work. Your journey is all grist for the mill. Love your internal conflict.____Cheers,____Marlowe
I echo the sentiments of both Doug and Kari. I have gained so much from your site in many ares, helping me to grow. I am growing slowly but steadily and every set back is propped up when I read your articles. I remember a few years ago when I was on your site and considered buying the 32 building blocks to happiness book from you. I resisted paying mainly because I had no idea who you were (I'd have probably bought it from amazon). Then later on, I found you were giving it away and so "snapped it up". This was one of 2 books that changed my life and propelled me towards growth and loving life (the other, you'll no doubt guess, I paid for!).
When I think about the value I received from that book, I realise that the wait to get it for free was not worth what you were charging. Any money I would have paid would have been repaid many times over with insightfull ideas, fresh perspectives and your positive honesty that eminates from all of your posts.
There are many areas of my life I am struggling with at the moment which you haven't touched on yet, but I'd love the chance for some interaction with you. And as Kari says above: would you be up for the challeng……..a resounding YES!
Keep up the good work. I am looking forward to finding out your future plans and hope I can engage with them
Kind Regards
Iain
p.s. had to split into 2 posts as too long
p.p.s. could you please post a link to the pdf of the 32 building blocks, as mine dissappeared with my old hard drive. I'll pay for it this time!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doug, I think it's something most people who work in this kind of field encounter. To do this we have to care, but there is the conflict with caring for your own interests also.
I do notice, and Social Psychology studies bear out, that we use cognitive shortcuts, so the price of something tends to equate to it's perceived value. However this is sometimes taken advantage of by Marketers.
Hi Kari, Thank you for your appreciation. It's nice to meet you and hear what you have to share.
My journey has been one from someone that would never share personal thoughts to publishing everything. Because I have come to understand that it is only in expressing who you truly are that others can accept you.
I am absolutely up for a challenge. I'm looking for as many diverse challenges as I can find, providing of course they are still on the same general theme.
In the next post I'm going to explain what's coming up in the near future. I think that may answer your question. But feel free to contact me before then. Either email or the contact link in the header.
Hi Marlowe, When I was completely broke and stuck in my business, I spent about $2,500 (that I didn't have) on a marketing book and tape set. I reasoned I'd rather risk everything and get over it quick if I was going to fail. It turned out to be the answer that helped me to turn things around.
The key to your success both financial and personal is about getting into the emotional state that makes you most effective. Whatever you feel comfortable about doing is the right thing.
Personally, I take responsibility for a lot of things that are really none of my business. And so to feel comfortable I have to give a lot away. You have to find whatever works for you.
Thanks for sharing your insights, Iain. It's great for me to see how sharing ideas I have found useful help others.
It's funny what you say about Amazon. I understand that people tend to place more value on bestsellers and so on. But what really amuses me, is that I came across a link to my site from Amazon Unspun. It's shut down now, but it was a place where people could make lists on all subjects and vote on them.
There was one for people who had most promoted the pursuit of happiness. For example Oprah Winfrey was at number 3. I was at number 19 ahead of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and Robert Holden. Both big names. It surprised me, but also showed that the Internet is changing things.
As I said, I'm definitely up for the challenge and am eager to interact with more people find new problems to solve. Here's the link to the book;
http://www.coachingtohappiness.com/support-files/...
By the way, what was the other book?
Hello Rob.
Reading your posts is always an eventful activity for me. There is something innately calming about the way you write, the ideas you generate; your sense of balance and calm. This is my question: how do you generate such peak emotional intensity about the activities you are interested in? Sometimes I seem trapped in the kingdoms of dreams, and it's hard grounding the charge of fantastic journeys or flights of fancy into reality. Why is that? How do I keep the enthusiasm, the proverbial smile on my face as I lose myself and dip my arms up to the elbows in the blood of my passions? And why's it so damn hard maintaining a positive attitude day in day out?
Hi Francis,
Thank you for your comments. Obviously this topic has been probably the one I'm most sensitive about. And I write without knowing whether knowing whether others will think I'm rambling nonsense or bringing something of value. So it's great to hear how people find something of use in my work.
It's a big topic to answer. One I must post on soon. The finest words I can find to answer it succinctly are;
be in the world, but not of it.
The world works on something I call emotional gravity that holds you down and depresses you. What is happening is that you are trying to find bliss where there is none.
You have to follow your dreams and along that path you will connect to something eternal and create your own world. And then you leave the everyday world behind. Nothing else matters then. Not what people think or do. And so this becomes your sanctuary. Then you bring that world into this world.
Don't laugh, but it was Change your life in 7 days by Paul McKenna. I know a lot of people don't take him seriously, but it really opened my mind to NLP and the power of our thoughts. It helped spark my growth and I still use elements from it throughout my life. Like yourself, I try not to close myself off to new ideas and I'm trying to work my way through as much information as I can and pick out the things that benefit me the most. That's why I find your work so helpful. You're right about Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: He's a big name in more than the academic sense!
Kind regards, Iain
p.s. thanks for the link. Not read it in a while. Need to give it a read over the next few days. Thanks again
Hi Rob,
I read all your posts but rarely comment and this is because I feel that you are on a higher plane from me.
I know this is not the way i want to live my life and kind of have a vision in my head of what I'm aiming for (but it is more like daydreams) and my problem is that I don't know how to build the bridge to get there. I find it's so easy to get stuck in patterns of living/reaction to life but so difficult to break them. Maybe people who feel like I do (stuck) need some kind of counselling (paid of course) but there again the problem I've always worried about is investing a lot of money in someone (the counsellor) who you really know nothing about. And I did once have a very bizarre 'course of treatment' with someone who claimed to be a healer, which completely put me off. The other problem is that no-one ever really talks about these things – except you! I want to improve my life but don't really know where to start….
hi Rob
I think what your doing is wonderful and i think personally that money and the behavior it brings with it is whats wrong with the world. I can tell you are a very intelligent man and you are probably aware of the monitory system and the pain and suffering it brings with it. You have the ability to reach a lot of people and if you haven't already seen the film ZEITGEIST or ZEITGEIST ADDENDUM please watch it. when you recommend things for me to read or look at i always do please return the favor and maybe spread the word.we as a people need to get together and spread the happiness that we all long for. thanx
Michael
Hey Rob,
I once read an essay written by a man who counsels couples to work through their challenges, rather than choosing divorce. His approach was so reasoned and thoughtful it was easy to see why he was successful.
His fees were not on the lower end of any scale, but he took time to help people overcome the hesitation to spending the money. He said this. "In your life you'll never spend $10,000. dollars on anything, that will bring you as much personal satisfaction and happiness as a fulfilling relationship with your partner. I feel it's similar regarding what you have to offer.
I think you long ago moved past any question regarding your motives. As for me, I'd be honored to be your first paying member. Sign me up.
Brian
Hi Michelle,
Nice to hear from you. No-one is on a higher plane than anyone else. We all deal with the same issues. Just at different levels of intensity.
When you sit and write about something, it's much easier to look from a higher vantage point then when you are actually dealing with the issue.
The answer is much the same as I gave to Francis. You really do have to create your own mental world and then bring it into the everyday world. Deep down, you really know what to do. However at the moment you are trusting the world more than you trust yourself. And it's the conflict between your inner wisdom and conventional wisdom that is causing your disharmony.
There are millions of weird and wonderful ways of 'healing' and 'therapy'. They are only the pantomine to distract you while you give yourself permission to change.
Hi Michael,
Thank you for your comment. I come from a place that says my happiness is only down to me. My conflict in this area is caused by the way I relate to money rather than a problem with the monetary system.
Undoubtedly the system is flawed. But it is flawed in the same way all things are. Limited by our level of development. In time I know that with the co-operation and thoughts of all sides our political, economic and social systems will improve.
However if we decide that these imperfections are the root cause of our pain, we hold ourselves in a position of victimhood and prevent ourselves from attaining happiness. And even if these do get fixed, then we look at the next problem and the next.
I have looked at the details of the films you mentioned, but they are not ones that speak to me or I feel will further me down my chosen path. I appreciate the people who spend their time on these issues, because they are the forerunners for an improved system, but it's not something that excites me.
I absolutely reject the political path. I'm not here to change the world or fight anyone or anything. I accept all and am interested in integrating all. I will never campaign or demonstrate for any political cause.
Time is so scarce in comparison to all the possible informational sources that we must be clear on what our purpose is and ONLY consume what furthers and evolves us. I have at the moment, 13 big books that I want to read because I plan on using the material as a framework for courses. To take time away from that for something that is not on my path would be to slow my evolution.
I'm sorry if this upsets you. But I would encourage you to be equally discriminating with your time and attention and ONLY ever follow a link I recommend if you think it will evolve you further down your path than other competing informational sources.
Thank you Brian. That's very helpful. I look forward to working with you.
[...] See here on the money and stress post [...]
Hi Rob,
Thank you so much. Your comments and solicit are very helpful to me. I keen forward to fulfill it.