Part Two of my response to Brian’s question deals with the issue of living with regret.

What has taken hold, is that I’ve become sure I will always be sad about losing the family we had and how it’s taken so much from kids. I can’t imagine in any new life, not feeling the weight of that loss, the guilt for my part in it and the regret that it is unalterable. It feels like the unsheddable burden.

One of the most powerful and draining things you can do is to live with regret.  Regret is really about loss.  It’s a grieving for something you feel could have been, but you have now lost in your life.  It’s a closed door that you feel will never be open to you again.

When you are in a situation such as Brian’s, everything about you has been set up to head towards a certain goal.  An idealised outcome.  So as you go about your work or play, progress takes you towards that goal.

Now though, it seems that the route to it is blocked.  It seems that as you take a step forward you just amplify the pain.

Unless you upgrade your Operating System to generate a new dream, there is always going to be this sense of reaching a barrier where you can only peer at where you really want to get to.

Let’s take this a step deeper.

We almost never really want, what we think we want.  People go to a Gym thinking they want to build muscle or get really toned.  Deep down they don’t care about having muscles or being toned.  They care that other people think they are attractive.  At the deepest levels they want to be loved and acknowledged.

The picture Brian had of an ideal outcome wasn’t what he really wanted.  It was his representation of what he really wanted.  It was the best guess, given his Operating System’s limitations.  Yet what Brian really wanted was a deeper state that best served him, his wife and his children.

It’s important to distinguish between the real goal of a healthy and happy state of connection and intimacy and thinking it can only show up how you think it should be.

photo credit: dilivion

What We Really Seek Is Beyond Words And Images

A nameless state so deep that our words and images are not capable of expressing it.  Language and images are only useful for shared understandings.  But we have inner wisdom and experiences that go vastly beyond anything we could share with others

However it is impossible to think of something without words or images to attach to it.  And so we make up the closest words or images that we can perceive as their representation.  That’s what we do with these nameless states that go beyond our comprehension, such as God, Heaven and Hell.  So to represent it in your mind, you created an image of what your most perfect, possible outcome would look like, based on your operating system.

Then when it seems that this outcome is no longer possible, of course, you feel a deep sense of loss.

Back when I was studying NLP, I learned about a concept called synaesthesia.  It’s basically where two different things get so closely associated in your mind that when you think of one, the other comes to mind also.

This is the essence of Phobia’s.  You get terrified by a spider once and such a strong emotional connection links up in your mind between spiders and fear.  So then every time you see a spider, you also feel the terror.

In your case you have connected this image of what a perfect outcome will look like with the deeper state you want to achieve.  Therefore there seems to be no other way of reaching that deeper state without making yor life match the representation of it you have created.

Going Beyond Cultural Auto-Pilot

But let’s think about this logically.  If we were living two hundred years ago, the nature of family life would be very different.  If you were in some remote Amazonian tribe, the family relationship would look very different.

I’m sure if you looked you could find examples of people who no longer live with their children as a family unit, but still have created a deeper bond than they previously had.  Having spoken to other Father’s living apart from their kids some of them have told me that this is true for them.

Often when you are with your family all the time, you are with them when you are pre-occupied, stressed, tired and trying to get other stuff done.  You are with them when they are whining and petulent.

However when you only see them on certain days and times you are able to be completely in the moment with them.  You can clear away all the everyday details and put normal life on hold while you just have fun together.  You can have total focus on them.  So the time that you do spend with them is of a much higher quality than it previously was.  As a result your bond can be stronger.

What I’m trying to get at, is that the perfect outcome that you believe has been lost to you, is limited by your cultural perspective and the belief, that there is only one way the relationship will work.

There are many ways that you, your children and your wife can relate together that will achieve the outcome that you really want.

You see, thinking that it has to show up in a certain way, puts a lot of pressure on everyone.  But if you are more relaxed and trust that since deep down, you all want the same result, then you can work together and find the right outcome that works for all of you.

And that form you have in mind, may be the best form.  However the paradox is, that believing it must be in that form can actually prevent it happening.

The Beginning Of The End For Relationships

There’s a distinction between the actions of someone wanting to be right and wanting to be happy.

When someone believes that there is only one possibility for everything to turn out for the best then it puts an enormous strain on them.  And consequently on others.  They feel that they are holding everything together.  So if they let anything slip, everything is going to fall apart.  Then when others don’t see eye to eye with them, it feels like they have to control, persuade and cajole others to fall into line.

This is the point where they stray from the line of authenticity, of calmness, of peace.  And it’s also the point where the relationship comes under strain.

photo credit: doug88888

Because what happens is that other people may conform with their wishes or they may not.  Either way though, you have pushed them away.  Depending on their personality they may split with you physically or emotionally shut off.

If they do conform, they feel resentful because they are now going along with your vision and they will blame you for taking them away from their vision.  They will feel that same loss for their vision, that you feel.  So there is always that bitterness, which becomes associated with the person who seemed to be the one who took them away from their dream.

If they don’t conform, you just end up in a stalemate.  Butting heads and with constant underlying fighting until one gives in or gives up on the relationship.  Either way it has caused a split in the relationship, which will drive you apart emotionally, if not physically.

Unless it becomes healed.

Conflict Can Bond Or Split A Relationship

To avoid this happening though, you have to connect with the state that you really want to achieve.  The state that was the power underlying that vision.  Then you act with the philosophy of living without conflict.

In other words, when you get into a situation that threatens conflict, you seek not to be right, but to merge both of your visions.  You don’t go in wanting a specific outcome, just looking to find a resolution that is authentic for you both.

photo credit: René Ehrhardt

Say for an example, you are booking your holiday.  You want to go to Hawai and your wife wants to go to Florida.

Well you want Hawai because maybe that represents calm and relaxation to you.  So you talk.  Not with the intent of persuading, manipulating or pacifying.  But with curiousity to get to the root of the conflict.

You find out that your Wife wants Florida because it’s exciting and there’s lots to do.

So you have a seemingly irreconciliable conflict.  Peace and quiet or frenetic activity?

But as you talk deeper you find that you want peace because you’ve been very busy and stressed recently and you just wat to lie back and recharge your batteries.  Your wife agrees that it’s been hectic and that’s just why she feels you all need something completely different.  She sees Florida being a chance for you and the kids to let your hair down and have fun without any worries for once.

It’s going for the same goal of recharging and relaxing, but in two completely different ways.  Either could work magnificantly, as you could many more options.  But none will work if you enter them, feeling it’s not the right choice and, with simmering resentment and hostility.

During the process of talking openly and honestly, you’ll get to know not only the other person better, but also what you really want at a deeper level.  By the end of the discussion you’ll be a different person and what you want may change.  But certainly by working together openly and honestly for an authentic solution, you will create a deeper bond and sense of authenticity.

A marriage or partnership is supposedly entered into for both parties to work together for a better outcome.  Yet many times, couples really hope the other will fail.  They agree to go along with someone else’s way, but they want it to fail, so that they can be proven right.  Once you get into such a position, you now have three people in the relationship.  You. your ego and the other person.  It is another form of unfaithfulness.  And as damaging as infidelity with a third person.

When You Are Relaxed About The Outcome, You Are More Likely To Reach It

The interesting paradox is that the less you push for your way, the more likely it is to happen.  Once you become tied to a particular outcome that you believe is essential for your wellbeing, you are likely to feel under so much pressure that you are more irritable and snappy and therefore your message is not communicated so clearly.

One of the most interesting findings from the early days of NLP was the difference between great marksmen in the army and lesser shooters.

The key distinction seemed to be that the best Shooters put less pressure on themselves.  They had an attitude that one bad shot wasn’t the end of the world.

In contrast, the people who didn’t perform as well, believed that each shot was critical.  As a result, they put so much pressure on themselves, that their anxiety ruined their performance.

This finding seems to be replicated in a number of fields and I would guess it to be universal.  I bring it up, because I think when we believe it is critical for us to get other people to buy into our vision, I think our insecurities make us less able to express what we truly feel and more inclined to try to control or manipulate others.

When we only care about getting to the truth, specific outcomes aren’t critical and so we can relax and be ourselves.  This generally allows others to feel as though they can relax and open up and so you get to the core of what is really important to you both.

Tags: Finding Yourself // 998Add Comment »http://livewithoutconflict.com/blog/living-coping-regret/Living+And+Coping+With+Regret2009-07-16+10%3A01%3A35Rob+McPhillips