Clarify To Relieve Stress
Ok so we’re up to the 2nd step in our 7 Steps to Zero Stress.
Step 1 was to List everything on your mind.
Step 2 is to clarify exactly what the issue is.
Video 1 – How To Deal With Stress
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlAuz9Frs1Q[/youtube]
Video 2 – The Key To Overcoming Stress
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86nQiXUBkTY&[/youtube]
Video 3 – Diane’s Case Study
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t__lt4ZWZM[/youtube]
Most people try to resolve issues at too general and too broad a scale. For example, say someone has just lost their Parent. If you asked them how they felt about it, they might snap at you, ‘How do you think I feel?’
Underpinning their answer is a common assumption, that everyone feels the same way about things, but actually they vary enormously. I used to Volunteer for the Samaritans. As part of that I took many calls from bereaved people. There was a huge variety of responses, from upset to relieved to delighted. Essentially what the Samaritans do is provide an anonymous place where people can say the stuff they really feel that they couldn’t ever say to someone they knew.
So before you can resolve something, you have to accurately pinpoint the cause.
Somewhere I worked once had a Maintenance Man who was legendary for fixing everything with his hammer. The bigger the problem, the harder he’d hit it. I joked once that I hoped no-one ever asked him to fix the lights, because he’d hit it. I got the reply, ‘It’s funny you should say that because…’
To be a great hunter, engineer, sports person or whatever depends upon greater accuracy. And to be a great processor of life, you have to become more and more accurate at seeing the paths that have led to this situation.
Whatever situation that you are currently experiencing, it didn’t just pop out of the sky. You have been travelling a path to it. It is a conflict between two or more elements.
You have to be here and here.
You have to do this, but you don’t have enough time.
You want this type of relationship, but not with this person.
And usually in a problem situation, there are multiple paths that converge at the point you notice the problem.
Think of a problem as being like a car crash. All the cars involved have travelled from different origins and converged at the point of impact. If any one of them had taken a different turn-off they would not have the crash.
That’s why awareness is so important. The more sensitive your level of awareness is, the earlier you can notice problems. And so you can become sensitive and aware enough to resolve issues before they become problems. Metaphorically, you take a turn off that helps you avoid the car crash.
So you want to identify the strands of the issue, then you want to know where these issues started from. It’s all about breaking everything down into manageable chunks that you can then make decisions on.
I asked for examples I could use to demonstrate this and Diane kindly supplied some. Diane hit me with both barrels. She has many issues to deal with. I’m just going to use three of the issues because otherwise it’s going to seem too repetitive.
Before I get into that though I want to make a point. I’m not great on being empathic or sympathetic, it’s not a strength of mine, and sometimes I can seem hard and insensitive. What I can do well is strip away everything that isn’t relevent and get back to the bare core issues.
The extent to which you can do this is equal to the degree of openness and honesty to which you can be. It’s your mind that’s clouding the issue. So you have to be willing to ask any question and truly examine how you feel about the issue.
Issue – no connection with husband
What does that mean?
What do you want?
In a perfect world, how would that connection look like?
What is the cause (s) of that lack of connection?
Has it always been like that?
What is it that most bothers you?
If he died tomorrow, what would you feel, regret or miss?
If you left him, how would you feel?
When you first got together what attracted you to him?
What aspects of him do you like?
How would it feel to have that connection back?
What would it mean to you?
List the possible ways you could start to get that connection back?
Issues – moved to Florida and son not adjusting well and wants to move back to NY.
In which ways is he not adjusting well?
What exactly is happening that tells you this?
Could you have handled the move differently that would have helped him accept the move and so adjust better?
Is there a possibility of him moving back, you all moving back?
Is his not adjusting well because he thinks he can get you to move back?
Is his trouble adjusting because he is sulking at the move?
If he accepted the move, do you think he would adjust better?
Is his trouble adjusting, your responsibility?
Why is this bothering you?
Do you feel some guilt at his having to move?
Issues – 81-year-old father 2 hours away and needs help because wife came down with dementia. He is going to die soon taking care of her.
Could he move nearer to you?
Could you move nearer to him?
Could you get help for him?
How does he feel about it?
Would She be better in a home?
Are there other ways you could help, such as do their shopping and bills online?
If there is nothing practical you can do, can you support him emotionally?
What are your feelings?
What do you most want to do?
Once you then get all this information, which will probably be easier for you to lay out on paper, you’ll be able to identify the strands of the issue. The next step is to identify the underlying conflict.
What is the underlying conflict for these situations. I don’t know the answers to the questions so I have to make a guess. The first issue is too broad to be worth guessing at. But I’d say the second isssue was based on guilt at the son having to move.
The conflict would be something like;
- Wanting to be a good parent and wanting the Son to be happy.
- Needing to move house.
I’d guess that behind the situation with Diane’s father is also a guilt that She feels responsible for caring for him. Yet circumstances hold her back from being able to.
As in most cases stress comes from the conflict of wanting two mutually exclusive things. To be here and here at the same time. To do this and this at the same time.
Once you understand the conflict, you’re ready to move to the next stage. Step 3 will be about making your decision.
Hi Rob,
The essense of step two is to get to the core of the issue : tracing the causal threads and identifying the underlying conflict..
Let me try it with an issue I have at the moment..
Issue – no connection with my job/career
What does that mean?
I do not feel involved in my job/career..i do whatever i am expected to do, but I do not care about the results.. I do not have clear goals to work towards and neither I feel a desire to come up with clear goals in my current job..
I feel that my current job lacks meaning and is inconsequential.
it pays me reasonably well and provides flexibility of time to pursue my other interests (reading and commenting on this blog is one of them)
What do you want?
I don’t really know..
I am looking for greater engagement and a sense of purpose in my career..
In a perfect world, how would that connection look like?
Fully absorbed.. Working towards clear goals.. touching and adding value to lives of others.. Effortless,
What is the cause (s) of that lack of connection?
my perception of lack of meaning which makes me think that it is not very important and so i do not give my 100%..
i know that i can get away with little effort.. there is neither a carrot nor a stick..perhaps unconsciouly and consciously i sense that i get paid anyway and so i might as well focus my effort on areas that are more important to my development..
Has it always been like that?
yes, most of my working life
What is it that most bothers you?
not utilizing my full potential..
the fear I have about quitting the job is losing a steady income stream
If you lose the job tomorrow, what would you feel, regret or miss?
a bit of fear of losing a steady income, but i probably will not regret it much..i am sure i will not miss the job.. but i will miss the income, i will slightly miss the nice title, i wil miss my nice office space
If you left the job now, how would you feel?
a bit nxious, but i will be motivated to move on to do what i think will be fulfilling to me.
What aspects of the job do you like?
as i said earlier.. the income, the title (a little bit), my office space ( i have a wonderful sea facing cabin), some of my colleagues
How would it feel to have that connection back?
no desire to have that connection..
What are the alternatives?
I have just trained to be a professional coach and i have two clients at the moment.. I am thoroughly enjoying the coaching assignment.. i feel good connection , feel engaged and feel a sense of meaning and purpose..
i feel good and competant as a coach..i want to do this for a few more months before i go into it full time..
i have some anxiety about whether i will be able to make a living out of this..
The Conflict:
I want to do a more meaningful job.. i have identifed an option and working towards it..
I want my steady income to continue.. i am anxious that i might get bored with coaching as well
Ok, i am struggling with this at the moment.
I have had an issue going on for the past 2 years. I have asked myself the above question and lots of others as well. I have discected the problem, separated the emotion and the facts which in turn confused me even more. The problem is the same if not worse than it was. I feel guilty, but at the same time i feel like i have no choice and therefore i have resentment.
I am lost with all this at the moment.
I think i need to listen again…
Good work, 007.
Not something I ever expected to say
Some extra questions I would ask. Plus I couldn’t resist adding some comments.
Remember no judgement is behind them, but if it were me these are some of the questions I would ask and have asked of myself.
The comments are basically the answers I came up with, for myself, with when I questioned myself with much the same questions. It’s all a question of how you see yourself. And so the answers are unique to each Individual.
Are you a person that gives half heartedly?
Even when you don’t care about results, is it You to give less than you could?
Are you content to do just that, that you can get away with?
Try a day working 100% (without seeking any reward) and do another day at 70%. Which day passes quicker and seems more enjoyable, aside from any external reward?
What skills that you are developing as a Coach can you use in your current job?
As a Coach, if you had a Client in your situation, what would you do?
Surely, this situation is causing you to become more creative in finding meaning and applying these skills. Could this be training to become a better Coach?
What are the biggest problems in your workplace, perhaps like many, there are departmental conflicts, lack of interest?
Could you solve these, or work on doing so, find meaning and use this as a springboard to a new career and so leave on a high note?
My thoughts based on experience and observations on similar situations.
All knowledge is equal. There is a place, at the peak of every field, where all things meet, converge and share the same universal wisdom.
You can learn more about personal development from your work. Wisdom comes from life, from the need to overcome problems.
Most people who try to develop themselves do so by reading books and following curriculum. It’s artificial learning, not truly a part of you, so the information is stale. It takes you so far, but only so far.
When you give of yourself, fully in all circumstances, you learn Who You Are and what Life is in a fresher, more vibrant way.
When you do your job with 100% attention and dedication, the Universe will soon realize that you have nothing to gain, in the bigger scheme of things, and so will move you on to a new context.
To do any less is to tell the Universe you have not yet come to terms with this situation and need more time. To seek to avoid anything is to turn your back on life.
Jill,
In some situations you really can’t change anything. It sounds like your’s might be one of them.
In this case, if you really have no choice than there is no basis for guilt, is there?
So then the questions are aimed at releasing the guilt. Such as;
Why can’t I move past the guilt?
What will it take for me to stop the feeling of guilt?
What belief do I hold that makes me guilty, for what I can’t possibly do?
The later steps cover these aspects. They are all about tying up the loose ends.
Situation in a nutshell:
I have been with the same man for 8 years. I knew him and was with him when i was younger as well, for a year, but we split and spent 10 years apart until we ran into each other 10 years later. Seemed like a fairytale,
Love him to death but he’s lazy, spends time working away, selfish and wants to keep things “just for himself” rude to my family and friends, does nothing with the 4 kids that call him dad…however, really is a nice guy. i feel sorry for him. Little white lies follow him everywhere and after 6 years i quit.
While he’s away i get closer to a mutual friend and we hit it off big time. I am not a stupid girl, i know about the grass being greener and all that, i know lust ,i know fantasy i know all that…so i wait. I see the other guy every couple of days for a few weeks, end up feeling guilty and tell my partner. He freaks and i ask him to leave and give me some space. He wont and it takes 2 months to make him. He does but spends his night and day making me feel like crap and stalking me. He is crushed.
He hounds me and i end up feeling terrible, i still love the man so i take him back. Great for 2 months, admits he is wrong, great with the kids…hurts his back at work, becomes house mum while i work, now he does everything i used to do but my feelings still have not changed. I love him but i feel different, i don;t feel like the same person, and i feel so so guilty about that.
This has been going on for 2 years.
And no matter how i discect and try and work it out….i cant seem to do it
Hi Jill,
Some questions I would ask;
Do I love this man as a Lover or as a person?
Can I love someone without being in an intimate relationship with him?
Am I with him for love or for guilt?
Is he the person I want to spend the next few years with or even the next few months?
Do I want to live with someone who can’t/won’t be honest?
If someone is not honest about themselves, about how they feel, about what they want, about what they do, in other words they are not truly them, are you really in a relationship with them or with the phantom image they create?
What do I want from a relationship?
Do I want to be in a relationship out of fear, or guilt, or in one that is based on love?
There are many nice guys, is that the only criteria I have for a relationship?
How do my children feel about this man?
Is it benefiting them for me to be in this relationship?
To stay in a relationship I don’t really want to be in, is that not condescending to the other person?
Is it a relationship of equals or am I supporting him?
Is my life about making someone, who is basically nice, happy even though the forces of life are giving him the evidence that what he is doing won’t lead to what he wants?
If you stay, in ten years time, will you end up feeling bitter and resentful towards him?
Can you stay with him and still have everything you want in life?