Meditation is one stress reduction technique that I happened to focus on, but it’s true of any other tool that you care to choose.  It’s value is not in the technique itself, but in the fact that as you practice it you develop and strengthen a mental pattern.  This makes it easier and easier for you to use.  And you also become quicker and quicker at being able to get the result you wanted.  And when you reach a certain level of competence you can do it under pressure.  Psychologists have studied how people perform under pressure.  Essentially their findings were that those skilled and practised rose to a higher level under pressure, whilst those with less experienced crumbled.

So in the case of meditation, you begin by maybe sitting for 20 minutes without achieving a quietened mind.  But maybe after six months of practice you are able to sit in a busy Doctors surgery, full of lots of noise and activity and yet block it out and attain the quietness of mind that previously only came about after lengthy efforts.  What has changed is that you have developed the skill to quieten your mind, almost at will.  

photo credit: adactio

Now this next section is probably going to sound completely unrelated, but by the end it will help you understand this idea at a much deeper level.

Time is a purely human concept.  People talk of spiritual growth, development and attainment.  However Oneness is complete.  It is everything, together (at the same time in our words).  So there can be no spiritual growth.  There can only be the human experience that seems to occur in a sequence of time.  In other words we seem disconnected from Oneness and seemingly find our way back to it.

The nature of being physical is that everything is relative.  So the art of living, is really the art of how we relate to what is around us.  Therefore the critical skill in living as a human is the ability to manipulate time and space.

Sport is a great way to see this manipulation of time in space in real time.  

photo credit: Roby Ferrari

Now the only sport I really follow is football (Soccer) but the same applies to all sports.  The difference between a star player and a mediocre player is their ability to read situations and see what is coming, to control the ball, to see opportunities to pass, to score, to beat players and the speed to make that happen before their opponent can.  

The difference isn’t that a mediocre player can’t do these things.  Put them on a training ground and ask them to do all these things around posts and they could do them.  The difference is that they can’t do them quickly enough in a fast moving, crowded and pressurised game to beat their opponents.

What star performers in all fields have in common is the ability to do these things so fast, that to them relatively to the mediocre, it seems as if things are happening in slow motion.  They have the skills so ingrained that they can react so fast that the speed they are capable of operating at, is much faster paced than most people can cope with.

photo credit: ThisParticularGreg

A great example of this is in humour, flirting or with smart replies.  Most of us can think of a great reply, but we think of it when the moment has passed and it’s too late to use.  Some people though, have the speed of thought to sum up the situation and respond in what seems like a split second.

The difference is that most of us feel too crowded and pressurised to think through the process quickly enough.  The quick witted ones have the ability to mentally make space for themselves by not panicking and then think through the process much quicker.

A couple of years ago at one of the Majors, Tiger Woods pulled out of his shot spectacularly.  Almost at the point of impact he realised and was able to steer his club away from hitting the ball.  It amazed everyone watching because almost no-one else could change direction so late after commiting themselves.  He could because time works differently for him while he’s playing golf.

photo credit: brookscl

The same is true in tennis, basketball, baseball, ice hockey and any other sport you can think of.  In engineering, mechanics and crafts, most of us find things too awkward and fiddly, too hard to get at, but the great Craftsmen can easily make the space to do the detail work.  The great Speakers, Artists and Writer’s can create a tranquility that enables them to detach from life and express themselves, but in real time.   

photo credit: JohnHallAssociates

Analyse anyone skilled at a task and you’ll find that where others feel like they are too crowded, the skilled are able to make space for themselves.  Where others feel that things are passing by too fast, they are able to move so fast that, relatively to them, things seems to be moving slower.  And so a lower level game is boring because everything seems to be in slow motion.

Now to bring this discussion back relative to the topic of stress.  The only essential stress reduction technique is the ability to create for yourself the time and space to respond effectively to situations that seem stressful.  

Meditation and any other technique you use are only ways that help you to make space for yourself.  As you practice the skills to process the events of life and so manage stress, you are developing and strengthening mental patterns that speed up your ability to cope with stress.  As you get quicker and quicker at doing this, it is possible that you can eventually respond to life in real time.  In other words, you process life as it happens without dwelling in toxic emotions and so you don’t experience feeling stressed or overwhelmed as any more than a momentary sensation.

Living smoothly and joyfully, is much like driving a car.  

photo credit: mroach

If you imagine the reverse gear to be negative emotions, lower gears to be less positive and the higher gears to be the more blissful states.  Initially and when you run into dead ends and get stuck you need the reverse gear.  In busy and built up places or in traffic jams you need the lower gears.  For the most part though, you can move through these quickly and spend most of your time sailing along in top gear.   

This is how life should also be lived.

Likewise when I start to write just a short response, my mind jumps in with more questions and more gaps in what I have written and so eventually a couple of lines turns into a page.  I was starting to reply to Ruth’s comments on the Problem of Living Up to Our Ideals  when I realised that I should make this into a post of it’s own.

Meditation And Stress

Probably the most popular stress management technique recommended is to meditate.  Now I think that’s an excellent tool to manage stress.  But as Tim pointed out, techniques are only a temporary expedient to the end result.  This is the problem I see with most stress management advice.  That it is based on an assumption that the world is a hostile, dangerous place, that is too treacherous to cope with without putting your life on hold while you deal with it.

Imagine you are settled in front of your TV to watch a gripping thriller.  As the plot unfolds your heart pumps faster with every twist and turn.  You fidget to mimic the character’s actions.  As you identify with the characters and get more involved with the storyline you feel the emotions that they feel.  Then the phone rings and you have to pause the film.  Still you are caught up in the emotions caused by the film.  But as you respond to the mundane details on the phone call your emotional state returns to a more normal level.  

Were you to now stop and consider the film plot in great detail, it would not have nearly as tight a grip of your emotions.  Some of the scenes might seem unbelievable.  In fact if you did this long enough, you might not want to see the end of the film because without being on the rollercoaster of scenes and emotions, it’s just not that exciting.

photo credit: Soulrider222

Meditation is like the phone call in the middle of the film.  It’s a temporary state of sanctuary, putting the events of life on hold, calming the emotional state and then looking at the events without the raging emotions.  When your emotional response is too intense and so far from your (seeming) control, then obviously meditation is a great tool.

Ultimately though, you want the rollercoaster ride from the negative into the positive.  Doesn’t a good thriller rescue victory from the depths of despair?  And would that victory be as thrilling when all is calm?

If you ever play video or computer or arcade games aren’t the best ones, those with the most dramatic scenarios?  

They put you in the middle of World War 2 or fighting off killer Zombies or rescuing the world.  The deeper the dips, the more exhilarating the ride.  

Life is the ultimate video game.  The events around you are the context of the game, designed to be enthralling, frightening and even desperate.  But you have the controls to manouevre through the scenes and ultimately your decisions and actions determine whether you end up devoured by the game or triumphing over all.

photo credit: mattymatt

Dealing with stress is a little like changing gear from reverse to first in your car.  At first you might go from reverse to neutral.  But with time as you become more skilled as a Driver, you can then switch direct from reverse to first.  It saves you time and speeds up your experience of life.  And the key to life is really about how much we experience.  That’s really the goal of being here that drives everything we do, wanting to experience as much as we can.

So to meditate is great whilst stuff seems too much to handle.  But just like driving the key is really how quickly we can move from A to B.  Instead we are moving from very negative emotions to less negative emotions and then to positive and onwards to more and more positive emotions. 

Everything in life has value in it’s place.  For a full life. you need to have the full range of emotional experiences.  Depression, anger, frustration and all the others are necessary for a happy and fulfilled life.  

The key is how quickly you move through them.  Get stuck in any of them and life seems to suck, but move through all of them quickly as an experienced Driver can move through the gears and life will flow for you.

The entire personal development and psychological fields are based on this question of how do we live up to the ideals that we hold?  

And these are questions that I have been giving a lot of consideration to.  Last year I realised I needed a focus and so decided to focus my efforts and attention on overcoming stress.  Since then I have spent some time researching the solutions available.  And to be honest I’ve been appalled at the lack of any significant understanding.  

Typically it’s the same regurgitated, tired old theories.  Their solutions then seem to be based on either a list of prescriptions, such as; exercise, eat this, do that etc.  Or else it’s something like meditating, counting to ten or taking deep breaths.  It comes in many forms, but the underlying assumption is that you can’t deal with life and so you have to put it on hold for a while.  I completely disagree with this assumption.

Yes, when you are overwhelmed there may be a need to ease the stress and relieve the pressure.  Just as you might put a plaster on an open wound to protect it from infection.  But that is a temporary solution based on the fear of things getting worse.  The deeper idea that this belief is rooted in, is a mental framework that life is dangerous and all we can do is limit the damage.

For the most part, your efforts should be based on the assumption that life is good.  That you can not only cope with life, but you can be in complete harmony with it.  Someone in harmony with life need have no fear of harm.

I would agree with Mari’s thoughts that stress is a by product of not knowing yourself.  I would actually say that it is caused by a splintering of the you, you could be and the you, you are being.  And so I believe that ultimately the solution to stress is to reunite these two and live wholly.

The nature of our existence in this world is to first understand what to do and to then develop the co-ordination to do it.  A baby can know that she wants to catch without knowing how to catch.  The ability to catch, follows the desire to want to catch.  We learn to drive when we want to enough that we will go through the discomfort and embarrassment we feel at not being able to drive.  And that goes for all newly developing skills.  

The lag between knowing what we want and developing the co-ordination to get there is what determines how smoothly and happily or how miserable and frustrating our lives are.  The real key is never found in a technique or method, but simply in the persistent desire for the end result.  Because with positively focused attention comes creativity and so an endless procession of possible routes to the desired destination.

Positive attention is important.  Negative attention such as worrying and panicking will only lead to fear and frustration.  Believing we can tackle the issue and searching for the solution is positively focused attention.  This directs our attention to deal with the problem, rather than how we feel about the problem.  The more positive and relaxed we feel, the more in harmony we are living.  And in that relaxed, positive state we are more open to the stimulus around us.  This is where we find creative solutions.  

Haven’t you noticed, how in a relaxed state, maybe on holiday or on a Sunday stroll you are filled with ideas?

photo credit: BurningQuestion

Likewise have you ever tried to tell someone in a panicked state the obvious solution to their panic only for them to completely ignore what you are saying in their frantic state?

The answers to our problems are all around us, it’s just that we’re not listening.  Every human problem has been solved by someone, at some time.  Equally every problem, is still a problem for someone, some where. 

Look at the diet industry.  It’s filled with hundreds of possible routes from the weird and whacky to the rigorously scientific.  Yet every path has worked for some people.  Because it’s not the method that matters, but the desire.  Give an uncommitted person any method and they will fail.  Give a determined person any and they will succceed.  The difference is in their dedication to the goal.

Here’s how this now links to the original question.

When you think a thought for thr first time, you link together two neurons.  So a new intellectual theory is like a spiders newly spun web.  Beautiful, yet fragile.  One swipe and it’s gone.  But imagine that every time you thought about that theory, you added strength and depth to the bonds?  

photo credit: Jerry Thompson1

With much attention and thought, you would soon have bonds that would seem as strong as a ship’s rope. 

photo credit: Donnaphoto

It is because of this that many feel bound by their habitual behaviour and thoughts.  And so we can intellectualise to a much higher standard than we can live up to.  With time, persistence and dedication we develop the co-ordination and the neurological framework to support the behaviour that matches our vision of what we could be. 

The intellectual or spiritual aspect of ourselves is like an Explorer, running off in search of adventure and expansion.  The physical side of us is like the Settler, building structure and order to what we have already discovered.  Our work is to focus our efforts on what needs to be done.  And not worry about how much there is to do, or what someone else is doing or what others think of what we are doing?

That is the difference between living life or existing.

When people are in a troubling situation, they have almost always been travelling along a certain path that is causing a problem.  In other words, people don’t wake up one morning three stone heavier.  The weight has been slowly gaining, but within the boundaries of their comfort zone so they never paid attention to it.  Someone, more sensitive to their size, would have acted much quicker and so the problem would have been easier to tackle in the first place.

photo credit: JasonRogers

Emotionally the same dynamics apply.  What happens is that people continue in their habitual way until it becomes such a big problem that they are aware of it.  Now they are in pain and also battling against their familiar habits of behaviour.  So it’s a much harder problem to deal with.  Let’s use a physical analogy to make the point clearer.

A few years ago, I took my kids to the park.  It was stacked out and all the parking spaces were taken and so cars had started to park up on the grass.  Like a good little sheep, I followed suit and we got out played and fed the ducks.  

Then we got in the car and realised I hadn’t considered how much it had recently rained.  The car wouldn’t reverse.  It just kept kicking up mud.  But I could go forward, so I did hoping I could turn around.  I couldn’t.  In the end, we wound up in the middle of the park.  Further than where we started and worse off.  The more I revved, the bigger the rut I dug for myself.

photo credit: Kentfield

And that is how many people find themselves emotionally.

Now I got so stuck, that I ran out of ideas and hope.  It was getting dark and we were far from home.  I ended up ringing the RAC to get towed out.  But they sent a normal van and I was embarrassed at how easily he negotiated his way out driving my car.  

Now when people start to read a book or articles about stress, they are often stuck in an emotional rut.  And so reading it would be a little like the RAC Man talking to me on the phone.  He knew instinctively what to do when he saw the situation, but on the phone he would only be able to give me vague, general advice.  And as I had so little knowledge on the subject, I couldn’t give him a clear picture of what the situation was.  So he had to adjust as he judged the lay of the land. 

Likewise, when someone writes a book or an article, they are not speaking to your specific situation.  As an example, if I was writing a letter to you and knew the full details I would phrase it differently, put it in different imagery or talk about very different concepts.  But what often happens is that someone tries to apply every idea they come across to a situation they haven’t really understood yet.  It’s a bit like wanting a magic wand without developing any skill.

That’s why self help books are so popular.  Because they promise the magic pill, the silver bullet to solve all problems.

photo credit: VirtualErn

Yet the truth is these will work in some situations at some times.  But to think that one book, one course or one methodology is the key to every situation would be much like a Doctor giving out one pill to every single Patient.  It will work 1 or 3 per cent of the time because in those cases, it fits the exact illness and profile that it works for.  But it’s only through luck.

More certainty in getting results takes practice and expertise.  It takes training, just as a Doctor needs training to diagnose and prescribe a course of treatment.  If you are in a hole that you really need to get out quickly then you either need to undergo intensive training or pay someone such as a Coach or a Therapist who has put in the hours, to guide you to restructure your thoughts as a temporary measure, until you can do it for yourself.

People fall for the sales pitches and the hyped nonsense of books and courses that are framed and designed for their ability to maximise the Author’s wealth.  You can’t read Rich Dad, Poor Dad and be transformed into a Magnate any more than reading Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus will make your relationships perfect.  

A good book or course will give you one main message or idea.  It’s one tool.  To think that will then equip you for all the possible situations life can throw at you is the equivalent of a Carpenter thinking all he needs is a hammer.

photo credit: Micah Sittig

The truth is that it takes training and practice to get proficient at anything.  And because you do have a lot of experience, with conscious focused training, you can pick these skills up quicker than medical training or computer programming.  But it isn’t a natural ability.

It reminds me of my time running a gym.  You’d get people who’d never exercised in 20 or 30 years and were surprised that they were weak and unfit.  It works the same way emotionally.  If you have never really devoted much time to minimising stress, developing close relationships and finding out what you’re about then it is going to take a period of adjustment and training.

I’ve just finished reading a fantastic book called Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell.  In it he demolishes the myth of natural brilliance and discusses how research shows that genius level performance takes 10,000 hours in any field.

Now you don’t need 10,000 hours of stress management training to live peacefully, (for enlightenment maybe) but you do need enough to alter the structure of your brain.  Then it becomes automatic and natural.  But the hardest part is always the initial steps.  Every subject seems boring until you know enough to be interested in it.  And the more you know about it, the more passionate you will become about a topic.

And the topic of living with less stress or the topic of relating to others are like eating and exercising.  You don’t really have a choice.  You can remain ignorant of the many delights of the art of bee-keeping with little ill effect.  But if you don’t learn to look after yourself physically and emotionally, you’re in for a tough time.  Sure you can eat all the junk you want and never exercise, but you’ll pay for it in lack of mobility and physical discomfort.  

photo credit: Raúl A.

Likewise, if you don’t learn how to handle stress and how to get along well with others your life will be in continual turmoil and emotional discomfort.

Key Point 1: It takes training to be better able to cope with stress

And in many other forms people have been essentially asking the same question. It’s the question that I’ve been trying to work out myself, since I’ve realised that it doesn’t come as easily or naturally to others.

If there is some skill that I have developed more than any other, it’s the ability to live life without prolonged stress.  Of course, I get times when I feel overwhelmed or frustrated.  Those are vital parts of life.  But I don’t think I have ever had a problem that I couldn’t stop from bothering me for more than a night.  Usually, if I have an hour or two on my own, I can work through any problem and become excited about the opportunity it also provides. Not every problem goes away in that time, but it no longer has a negative emotional pull on me.

There’s a reason why I can do this.  I’ve been actively training myself to deal with stress more effectively for decades. And each idea or philosophy that I have integrated, into who I am now, has changed me structurally as a person. And so now, I am very different from how I was a few years ago.

photo credit: pimpexposure

So it’s hard for me to understand that other people look at life differently from me. That is why I love to read your comments and feedback, because each comment or email helps me to get a clearer picture of how the person writing it sees life and how that differs from my view.  With this I can calibrate what I write, so hopefully it makes sense to you.

Let me give you an example that hopefully can help you to see the journey I took, that makes it easier for me to deal with stress effectively. We were over at dinner at my Mum and Dad’s a couple of weeks ago. And my kids were weedling out all the naughty stuff I’d done as a kid from my Parents.

And my Mum referred to something my Sister says when talking about our childhood. That whilst she would be worried all night about some meaningless thing that never amounted to anything, I would be sleeping soundly. That while she would work and work at her schoolwork and still struggle, I would put in no effort and sail through.

It was only in this conversation that my Mum revealed she had to pay for me to sit my A-Level exams because I attended classes so rarely. To give you an example of how long I was in class, I used to drive in and listen to the same DJ who would still be on the radio when I drove home.

And so I kept getting pulled into the College Vice-Principal’s office and told that college work was harder than school and you couldn’t get through it without working hard. It sounded very arrogant and I didn’t mean it to be, but I couldn’t put it any other way.

So I told them; “I know you have to tell everyone this, but I know what I need to do.”

They told me how many people they’d seen come through with the same attitude and how they had failed. And unless I bucked my ideas up, I would fail too. I left the office as they shook their heads with despair.

But I knew what I had to do, because I knew myself. And so I carried on the same way.

Eventually they wrote me off as a failure, to the point where my Form Tutor announced to me and the class that my ‘marriage to the college was over’ and I wouldn’t be returning for a second year. However I passed all my exams and so they couldn’t justify throwing me out.

Again at Christmas of my second year, I was told that I would be going. Only for me to again pass every exam. And obviously that’s when they made my Mum pay for my exams. But when I passed all three exams she got her money back.

photo credit: ccarlstead

Now here’s what my Sister and my College Tutors didn’t understand and if you get it, it can help you understand the key to dealing with stress.

I didn’t pass my exams because I was an academic genuis. If I were, I would have enjoyed the work and devoted myself to it and got A’s. I didn’t. It bored the life out of me, but I knew I would need it as a passport to something better.   So I’d play their game and get what I needed, two C’s, to do what I wanted to do.  I got two C’s and an E.

My Teacher’s throughout my school life despaired of me because, like so many other pupils, I never applied myself. But particularly at college, I consciously calculated the cost of achieving high grades versus doing nothing and getting what I needed and decided the effort would be wasted.

The reason why I knew I could pass my exams, was because I picked subjects I could pass without effort.  Maths and English were naturally easy for me.  Technical subjects like Science or Geography that needed specific knowledge I hated. I knew they would require work, so I avoided them.

When I started college I was doing Economics, Maths and English Literature. Three months into Maths I realised that I couldn’t be that neat, detailed and precise without a lot of effort and so I switched into Politics. After a year of Economics I knew that I would have to work to understand all the complex concepts and their interactions. So I bailed out to Business Studies.

The only course I did the full term in was English Literature and in that we read two of the books in class.  I read another two at home, because they weren’t as boring, but the other couple I never read.

The thing was, I knew myself well enough to know where I would pass and where I would fail.  I knew that a certain proportion of the class had to pass.  And so, like a Runner who needs a certain position to qualify, I would look around the class and make sure I was at a certain grade relative to my Classmates.  Then I knew under the pressure of an exam, I would perform at my best and unfortunately for them, some would crumble. 

Notice that I moved to very generalist subjects where a good level of general knowledge, the ability to articulate an argument and to perform under the pressure of an exam was all that was needed for an adequate pass.  I remember facts and detail easily, so I could chuck these in to an exam essay and it looked like I’d revised.

While the College Teachers knew their subject, I knew me.  So wasn’t it equally arrogant of them to dismiss me when I told them I would pass?  To assume they knew my limits, without knowing me?

There’s another part to this story that explained at a deeper level why I knew what I could do and should tie the point of this article together.

I began with making the point that my sister felt that I got dealt a better hand. That I had a cushier life.  And lots of people look at others richer than them, happier than them or with something like a loving relationship as if they have been given an unfair advantage.  Here’s the real point.  This is the message I most want you to understand from this message, everything has only been to lay the foundation for this.

I did my work upfront.

I learned to read before I went to school.  I read a book a night for years.  Even when Mum and Dad turned my lights out I read from the red LED light off of my alarm clock.  

photo credit: brucebeh

One of my most prized presents was a red flexible lamp.  Or it was until early one morning I awoke to find my Dad, home from his night shift, peeling it away from the Duvet it was burning a hole through.

And even when I wasn’t reading I was asking myself the questions that took me to deeper and deeper levels of understanding on all kinds of topics.

Obviously part of this was instinctive.  I was born with an insatiable need to know.  But part was conscious and deliberate. 

I was lucky, I had the perfect childhood.  I had a Mum that gave me confidence, telling me ‘if others can do it, so can you.’  I had a Dad that gave me the chance to take responsibility and who looked far into the future to see what others couldn’t teaching me to look ahead.  I had a younger brother who gave me the early chance to look out for him.  And I had a sister that trod before me and so let me see the pitfalls before I had to meet them.  And she had another maybe profound influence on me.

Who can tell what caused what, but I believe this was a formative experience on my outlook.

Elaine was highly imaginative.  Where I was happy with what is, she liked the excitement of experiences more vivid and dramatic than reality.  

Anyway, one day when we were both very young, I was maybe 3, 4 or 5, we were waiting by the door to go out somewhere she told me something.  I have no idea why.  When I tell her now, she doesn’t believe me.  Anyway she told me that our Parents were really Murderers and would come and get us in our beds at night.

Now I had a perfectly happy childhood and for the most part I forgot this.  For example, like most kids I often felt like running away to teach my parents a lesson when I didn’t get my own way, yet I knew it would be unsafe to do so.  But there was always a slight doubt in my mind as to whether this story was true or not.  It took me until I was about 12 to fully realise that she was just telling me a story, one that she had forgotten two minutes later.  But since there was a doubt in my mind up to then, I had a sense that I had to solve my own problems and look after myself.  A part of myself I had to keep hidden, just in case.  Maybe it was in my character anyway, or maybe I was influenced by this event.  Who knows?

The real point is that I learned to think through problems and find solutions independently.  So my brain became trained to find solutions, rather than to seek out others to fix things.

photo credit: Corey Leopold

And as I read so much, I quickly burned through the kids section of the library, then the footballers biographies and then more general biographies and by about 11 or 12 I was reading business books and being exposed to the ideas of people like Peter Drucker and Tom Peters.  So I amassed a huge database of stored examples, concepts and principles that I have never stopped gathering.  And isn’t this really the basis of experience, lessons learned in time? 

So by being observant to the experiences and insights of others it was like copying and pasting their years’ of experience into my own mind.  And so I was picking up the same experience, but without the pain of trial and error.  I figured that if I grew my database quicker than the experiences I lived, I could avoid making mistakes.

photo credit: Dramatic

While Elaine was playing with dolls, I was doing the work to be ready for years in the future.  By the time I was 18 and taking my A-levels I had read about much of the situations covered by my courses long before.  So I didn’t need to sit through what I had already covered.  It wasn’t that I didn’t have to do the work, it was just that I did the work, in private, before I reached the situation.  So it seemed like I sailed through without a care in the world, but actually I had planned and calculated what needed to be done and trained myself to be ready for each situation.

I realised, whatever you do takes a certain amount of time.  You can either put in that time, before you have to and sail through, or you can hit the situation and then put in the time, fixing and getting yourself out of the situation.  But the latter is much messier, more painful and harder to get unstuck from.

For example, before I got married I had observed hundreds of people who were devastated by a relationship break up because they hadn’t thought to check out how the other person felt.  So I made a deliberate effort to understand how my wife felt and tackle any issues as quickly as possible so that we wouldn’t have to get to a messy stage and then work at it.  It doesn’t always work perfectly, but it goes some way to making life easier.

Before I was a Parent I noticed that Babies, and young children, likewise need a certain level of effort and attention.  You could either give them the attention first, have a pleasant interaction and then do what you needed to do.  Or you could do what you wanted to do and then have to put at least as much effort when they start misbehaving and it just becomes a more unpleasant situation.

The point is though it may look as though I sailed through life without a care in the world, actually I calculated the steps ahead and did my work in preparation.  I just did it all in private. 

So how does all this relate to Ruth’s original question?

Well to say that my brain is different in regards to dealing with stress is true.  Brains are inherently flexible and neurons take shape around whatever habits you have.  And I have devoted my life to both avoiding, and preparing my ability to deal with, problems.   That means that I have strong neural pathways that enable me to go through the process of overcoming stress quicker than most people.  Where they might panic and get fixated on one possible outcome I have developed the ability to think more broadly and see multiple possibilities. 

photo credit: Ethan Hein

In a nutshell, it’s all about training, being ready before you need to be.  It’s the difference between watching what you eat before you gain weight and never getting fat or hitting 30 stone, feeling terrible and then wanting to lose weight. 

The things you are thinking and doing now are creating problems for your future.  You can wait until they cause you pain to find a solution.  Or you can become aware of them now and adjust so that the pain never hits you.  I learned to become more sensitive to what was going on and dodge pain and discomfort.  That’s why I write.  

To share with you, so that you can become aware of it and dodge the pain ahead.

photo credit: Ian Wilson

The most common reason people give for unsubscribing from my emails is; ‘Thanks.  I’m happy now’  In other words, the crisis that caused them to sign up has passed.  And I shake my head (like my College Tutors) and think, but are you ready for next week or next month’s problem?  

Maybe they are, but in most cases they haven’t got my main message.  

What you pay attention to today, prevents tomorrow’s pain.

Some want a different financial situation.  Others want to be around different people.  Or have a different career focus.

But where you are is not an accident.  It’s where all the strands in your life meet up for a temporary summit.  It’s exactly where you are supposed to be.  It’s only when you master what’s in front of you that you can move onto the next stage in your life.

Where You Are Is What You’ve Been Given

I watch the same dynamics with my Daughters and their homework.  My eldest daughter used to struggle with numeracy.  Because I knew this and also knew that she couldn’t get through school without learning the times tables, I wanted to make it easier for her to learn them.

So we made her an mp3 she could listen to as she went to sleep.  I bought a program that makes learning them a game.  Then I even went through the whole times tables stripping out all the duplicates (e.g 4×6 and 6×4).

Still though she made no serious attempt to learn them.  Instead she would scream and rage that she couldn’t learn them, it was too hard and why did she have to.  I admitted defeat and left her to it.

photo credit: odedgal

A month or two later, came the time when she was about to be tested.  For almost two hours she raged about the unfairness, injustice and difficulty.  Eventually she just burned herself out and decided to get on with learning them.  Literally ten minutes later she knew them enough to get 11 out of 12.

It was a good lesson for me that however easy you try to make things for people, it makes no difference until they want to do it.  And it was a good experience for her as she learned that just getting on with it, is often easier than thinking about it.

And that’s the point of that anecdote.  Where our life becomes difficult, where we feel negative emotion it’s always because our focus has slipped from dealing with what’s in front of us to how we feel about what we have to deal with.

You see life is not about getting everything in your life straightened into a tidy, orderly line.  Life is chaos.  It’s the chaos and the stuff that knocks you off your balance that causes us to dig deeper and bring more of what we are at our core through into the world.  It makes us discover what we really are about.  It’s in these moments that we find who we are and what we can really do.

photo credit: Lachlan Hardy

Once you overcome your resistence to the situation and instead focus on grappling with the issues in front of you, you start to become engaged and so your mood lightens and you become happier.  Just the fact that you know you are on the path to solving the situation, even if the facts haven’t changed is enough to change your mood.

As this happens your mental bandwidth, the amount of attention and inspiration you receive increases and so you find the strand that unravels the knot that was blocking the path to your goal.

And so once you take away the conflict that you felt about the situation and instead focus on dealing with the situation, you move past it.

The paradox of life is that it is not accepting where we are, that holds us back from where we want to be.  Whatever the circumstances are in your life that you are unhappy with, you have to come to an acceptance of and then be able to be happy with where you are and working towards what you want.

Every morning for the history of humanity, the sun has risen to illuminate the world. As it rises, it holds the promise of freshness. The uncertainty of a new day dawning. Yet as it reveals the world below, we see the same old structures and realize that this day will be much the same as the last.

photo credit: joiseyshowaa

Recently I received an email from someone expressing a fairly common reaction that she had no interest in life and was only waiting for her time to pass and return to a better world.

Many other people have expressed similar thoughts and there have been times when I could sympathise. Sometimes it just looks like life is set on a path that we don’t want to be on and it seems too hard to change.

But the truth is, life just is.

The only difference between living in a physical world and in an afterlife is that people tend to limit their thoughts within a physical structure. They think what they see is the extent of what is possible and so if they can’t see it, they doubt it’s possible.

There are two forces that concern us in relation to this issue. The first is the force of life, like a river, just flowing freely where it can. What impedes life are our mental structures of set beliefs and prejudices.

photo credit: me_suz

None of us are new here to this planet. So obviously we are meeting with a history of experiences,observations and learning. Our heads have been filled with rules and regulations, from Parents, Peers, Teachers, Society generally and our own observations.

Yet none of these have ever had a broad enough understanding to really know how things are. Scientists are one example of a group of people who believe they can tell us Laws, only to then find their Law needs amending or abolishing when it is found to be flawed or incomplete. And these can be found in all fields, all cultures and all times. All we can ever have is a working understanding of life.

So we grasp onto these beliefs that help to bring us some sense of security and certainty in a world of chaos. But we do this at the cost of shrinking and limiting our sense of what is possible.

In our minds we have a structure built up, much as a city builds, with a mix of architecture from different times and sources. And it is this that dampens the enthusiasm of the new, with the belief in the old.

photo credit: photomequickbooth

And it is the structure that is the source of all problems. Life flows freely, but it is the landscape of your mind that hems it into certain patterns that contradict rules and laws that you are certain are right.

In the natural unfolding of life these would not necessarily be a problem. However when they are framed by your belief that life has to show up in a certain form, then you have set the situation up so you view it in a certain light.

All problems stem not from the situation you are in, but from the way you are looking at the situation you are in. Which is why I so often say, you can be right or happy, but not both.

Next post will wrap up the Zero Stress System, with the factor that determines your inclination to choose being happy over being right.

Is it overwhelming to do all this for every issue?

Yes. But you don’t need to do it most of the time. What I am laying out is the process for overcoming an issue. Maybe for a while you have to do this consciously for big issues, but as you do the process you lay down a neural pathway that makes it easier for each subsequent time. So after a while it becomes an automatic response that you do without even realising it. But of course like anything, there is a learning curve.

Will you be overwhelmed by doing it in little chunks? Maybe. If you can deal with it one big chunk, then do it in one big chunk.

But the idea behind the small chunks is that it makes a big decision more manageable. In most cases people are stuck on making a decision because there are many other things they know are involved in the decision, but they can’t think of them all at the same time. So making small decisions is easier.

It all depends on what’s right for you. Stephen Hawking can calculate all his workings out in his head because that’s the way his brain has become structured. But his Peers need boards and papers to map out their thoughts. It just depends on what works best for you.

I’m not big on following processes and recipes. I don’t think life is about consciously following templates. I think you have to understand the basic process and then develop and refine it with your own individual stamp. So what I have done is analyse how issues are successfully dealt with and then broken the process down to detailed steps for you to digest and then develop your own way of working with them. It’s just a starting point so you have something to work with.

Which issues to tackle?

All of them. If they are on your mind, process them so they move from your mind to resolved and forgotten.

You’re right that most of them will come to nothing. Over time all stress passes. It passes because the issue no longer becomes a big deal or because you change your perspective, beliefs and definitions that make it no longer relevant to you. Or it will become so urgent that it becomes a priority to deal with it. Emergencies are almost always only little things that blew up to crisis level.

This process is about manipulating what naturally happens, so that you can make it happen faster.

Most of the time in life you’ll be off-balance. This is all about getting back to a calmer, clearer state quicker. Prolonged stress is costly, any way you measure it. If you were only to look at it in terms of physical health, stress only starts to damage you, once it starts depleting your body. The release of adrenalin that activates the ‘fight or flight’ response is a normal state. But it’s when that state is maintained for a prolonged period that Cortisol is released and the body begins to destroy itself to fuel the readiness to act, that stress starts taking a toll on your health.

Again it depends on how much tolerance you have for drama and internal conflict and confusion in your life. I have very little. I like calmness, peace and stability. I have great enthusiasm and passion for what I do. I already have more plans than I will ever have time to complete. Many people need great dramas to motivate them into action and give them a focus for action.

The key is not to sit there with your pen and paper ready permanently processing, but to get to zero stress and then catch issues as they crop up. As you get better and better at doing this, you can do it quicker and more easily. What holds people up is wanting perfection on every issue. You can’t get that, you just have to either make a decision or put it aside to make a decision at a specific time.

voice keeps telling me that we are missing something..

I think we are, but this is only a first draft. It’s the best I could come up with to explain this now. The key question for all of us, is what’s missing in this model? What would make it smoother and easier for us all to implement in our lives?

You can get the report by clicking the image below;

Don’t forget to ask any questions or share your thoughts below.

It’s not about pros and cons. That’s the old way that someone makes a big decision. We’re looking for a fresh new solution.

We haven’t got up to making the decision yet. We’re indentifying the elements, the criteria that together will make up the big decision.

It’s taking an issue apart into it’s different cellular aspects. So it’s not one decision based on pros and cons, but many little decisions.

For example, someone might tell you that they had Heart disease or Arthritis and unless you have medical training you’d probably feel satisfied you understood what was wrong with them.

But a Doctor would want a lot more information before he/she would treat them. There are over 300 different types of Arthritis and many forms of Heart disease. Is it the arteries, the heart function, the oxygenation and so on?

The label is a broad category, but different clusters of individual symptoms make up the condition. And the minute differences in symptoms lead to different diagnosis, prognosis and treatment.

In the same way, the problem is the overview, but there are clusters of beliefs, wants and fears underlying the problem.

Think of it this way.

If you travelled the world you’d find that an overwhelming number of the population fervently wanted world peace.

Go to the Christians and they would say; ‘yes we want peace. If only everyone would live by God’s law’s as Jesus told them.’

Go to the Muslims and they would say; ‘yes we want peace. If only everyone would live according to the law of Allah as Mohammad shared them.’

Go to the Buddhists and they would say; ‘yes we want peace. If only everyone would live according to the laws as Buddha gave them.’

The problem isn’t at the level of wanting peace, or love, or freedom. People believe they are fighting for peace or love or freedom. No one ever recruits an army by telling them they can go and kill all they can for fun. They appeal to their patriotism, their righteousness, their desire to protect their kin.

These wars originate in exactly the same thought processes as the individual problems we all face. The devil (or conflict) is in the details.

The problem is in the detail of how conflicting beliefs get to co-exist peacefully. The route out of them is not through choosing one over another, but in forging a new path. Using your unique situation to come to a new level of understanding and so creating a unique solution.

I want to know something, but I don’t want to seem pushy is the impetus for a more evolved and refined means of communication.

This is the start of the decision stage. It is only designed to create a more refined goal. A set of criteria that you want met by the solution. We’ll get to making an actual decision soon.

Let me know if this makes it any clearer. I don’t want to move on, if this stage isn’t clear yet.