Joe had grown up in the same small village all his life and people had always nodded to the mountain when talking about the town on the other side.  He’d often wanted to visit it, but was put off by the mountain in the way.  But he had decided now was the time for him to make the expedition and prepared all his gear for the trek.

photo credit: anne_jimenez 

For four days he walked and climbed.  Eventually, drained from the experience, he arrived at the hotel too late for dinner.  His feet were so sore that when he dipped them in the bath the sting almost made him hit the roof.  He slept soundly that night and in the morning went downstairs looking forward to a hearty breakfast.

As he sat down though, he was astonished to see James two tables away reading a newspaper.  He walked over and, after greeting him, enquired why he had changed his mind and come earlier.

‘I didn’t’ said James, ‘I got the train yesterday’.

photo credit: cliff1066 

The moral of the story is that there are easy and difficult ways to do things.  Life can be a struggle or it can flow.  

It depends whether you want to climb the mountain or go around it.  When I say, you can be happy or you can be right, it is another way of asking if you want to climb the mountain or take the train to go around the mountain.

In our little story, Joe didn’t realise that he had a choice and so his journey was much harder than it had to be.  

What We Can Learn From Depressed People

My last post on the root cause of stress and depression angered at least one person, who saw it as a personal attack on them.  It wasn’t personal and it wasn’t written for depressed people.  It was written because the way to understand the subtle things that we do most clearly is to look at extreme examples and observe the same dynamics that we have, but in a much more exaggerated fashion.  Depressed people are at the extreme of choosing being right over being happy.  And so every day they climb the mountain, rather than take the train around the mountain.

First though, let me explain the dynamics that I have noticed.  Then hopefully you can relate these to your own life and see where you make the same mistake.

We all have access to a range of emotions from depressed to joyous.  And for most of us we visit them all, or most of them, at some point.  It is part of the cycle of life to go through them all.  However some people live much, or most, of their life in depression.

Feeling depressed or despairing can be great.  But only in small doses.  Being able to look at a situation from all sides allows us to make much better judgements.  Because then all options are open to you.  

A well rounded person has lived and seen from each perspective.  Someone who only ever looks from a joyous point of view, lives in a Pollyanna world of peeking out and pretending everything is hunky dory, when it clearly isn’t.  

When I was starting out and finding my feet writing, I used to write about happiness.  I got labelled in with the ‘think positive’ bunch.  And there are so many people who have jumped on that bandwagon and are going about getting people to clap and sing and laugh to artificially make themselves happy that quite frankly, I was embarrassed by it.

The World Sucks And We Are The Children Of Barbarians

The fact is the world sucks.  

Buddha gave us the first noble truth, that all living is suffering.  And it is.  As King Midas discovered, there is really nothing in this world that you really want. 

Honestly look at nature.  It is utterly barbaric.  I used to have this mousemat that reminded me of that fact every day. Every animal wakes up each morning and has to run and/or kill to survive.  

photo credit: Shahrokh Dabiri 

Our society is the result of those who were the most aggressive, the quickest to react most violently to threat and those who were the best at killing.  The peace loving civilisations got conquered and destroyed.  The gentlefolk were butchered.  

And every day you can see the same dynamics in business, politics, financial markets and in our inner city gangs.  A fool and his money cannot walk safely through much of this world.

Even in our homes, many people live with abuse in it’s many forms.  In our workplaces we work amongst deceit and political maneouvering.

In the day and age when we can almost colonise other planets, when we can destroy much of the world with a push of a button, we still would rather squander money on a futile military arms race than feed the starving in Africa.

photo credit: hdptcar

There is no way that all the clapping and singing can disguise these facts for long.

However whilst being aware of these facts, I still want to spend as much of my time in the more positive emotional zones as I can.  Yet I must do it in spite of so much being wrong in the world.

All of life, though it appears in many different forms, boils down to a journey.  I am here and want to be there.  Our emotions are determined by whether we tackle the journey by going over the mountain or by going around it.

The Four Basic Emotional Zones

I see there being four basic emotional zones in life.  

Depressed and despairing. 

Stressed and frustrated.

Finding your purpose and meaning.

Following your bliss.

My time is devoted to helping people move through these more quickly.  Because the natural resting place is in following your bliss, unless you get stuck in an earlier part of the cycle.  

The only stage I typically have nothing to do with is the depressed state.  The reason is that I’ve found I can’t relate to depressed people.  There is too much of a gap between them and I.  We have entirely different goals and ways of looking at the world.  I find it too uncomfortable.  And they are looking for something that I can’t give them.  

And critically, it is hard for them to deal with brutal honesty. 

Now if you look back through the comments of the last post, you’ll see a number of people relate how they hit hard times and became depressed.  And some explained how they found a route out.  That is the key differential I’m talking about here.

Everyone can get depressed, but some people get stuck there and refuse to believe there is any other reasonable response they could have to the world.  If you really want to overcome depression or anything else than you can.  But you have to want it so badly that you are willing to give up any notions you hold on being right.

Depression As A Badge

photo credit: Ptit@l 

I will happily admit that I am no expert on depression.  However I have noticed some patterns with depressed people.  And lacking the ability to be able to keep quiet, I have to share the truth as I see it regardless of the consequences.  It’s certain things that those labelled depressed say that made me wonder what was at the cause.  Things like;

“I wish I had physical symptoms, so people could see how I suffer”.

“I fight so hard, harder than anyone else, but it’s so much harder for me”.

“People don’t understand that it’s a disease”.

Now I noticed these patterns and they baffled me.  Why would so many people use exactly the same terminology?  And more to the point, why are they more bothered about other people recognising their pain, than actually dealing with the pain?

If I have a mantra it is,

you can be happy or right, but not both.

What this really means is that your internal model of how the world should work, fits with what you believe is right.

Accepting the way the world is and adapting your model around that, is what leads to being happy.

Now some of the time the world will coincide with how you believe it should be.  Sometimes you will win.  Sometimes you will get the girl (or boy).  Sometimes things will work out the way you want them to.

And in these times everyone is happy.

But the real test of life, that determines whether you will live happily or be depressed, is what do you do, when life is not how you want it to be?  

When it seems to be all wrong, the first thing that people do is try to change it.  

A natural response.  

But you can only change circumstances in maybe 5-15% of the time.  The rest of the time you can burn yourself out trying to swim against the tide.

And that’s what depressed people do.  

They bash against brick walls, burn themselves out and give up in despair.

photo credit: dno1967 

We all go through despair and it can give birth to greater insight or to ingenuity.  But you then have to change your perspective to find the way out.  But for some they are stuck there waiting for the mirror to smile before they will.  

Happier or more successful people adapt their model of the world to fit in with the reality they see.  In contrast, depressed people get furious at anyone or anything that challenges their model of the world and take it as a personal affront.  

Despite the pain it brings them, they hold on to their model for dear life.    They look at others and convince themselves that their situation is just bad luck, or persecution, and there’s nothing they could possibly do to make it different. Others, they believe, got the good cards.  ’It’s easy for them,’ they say.  And so they play at being the victim.

That is why they want others to recognise their suffering.  Because if they suffer, then life must be harder for them.  Life is picking on them.  Making them a victim.  And so if they are being picked on, they must be special.  And so actually they are the better ones.  

To these depression is not an emotional state.  It is a badge that marks them out as special and gives them the value and recognition they sought from the world in vain.  It’s as if they haven’t learned to wrap themselves around the world and instead are trying to wrap the world around them.  

Depression Is The Natural Response To The World.  Happiness Is A Creative Response. 

That is why I say that happiness comes when your focus is on ideas or people beyond your sense of self.  Because when you go beyond yourself, you go beyond needing to be right and in harmony with the flow of life, you become happy.

Examine when you are happy or unhappy for yourself.  You’ll find that when you are happy, it is because you have lost all sense of yourself in the pursuit of a goal or in exploration.  

Think about the first throes of a romance.  The excitement is all in discovering about someone.  

The bits before the breakdown are all related to how what they are doing, affects you.

No-one is ever happy, when they look at situations through the eyes of ‘how does this affect me’.

Depression is NOT a disease in the medical sense.  Sure, some people are naturally more inclined to a depressive reaction, but they are not without choice.  It is not having learned to lose your attachment to your sense of self that causes chronic depression.  

Depression is a natural response to the world.  To be happy is a developed skill.  

Tto live joyously, is to adapt to this monstrous environment that we are in and to still love life.  That comes by creating your own world.  This is an advanced skill.

As Jesus said ‘be in this world, but not of it’.  

You just have to love life.

If you want a great relationship with your Partner, you don’t need better communication skills or seduction tips or whatever else, you just need to love them.  Not love certain parts of them and wish other aspects of them were different.  But love them completely as they are.

photo credit: nessadoll77 

If you want a fulfilling and rewarding career, you don’t need certificates, job titles and permission, you just need to love what you are doing.  Again, not certain parts, but the whole enchilada.

If you want to be slim and that’s not what you see in the mirror, you have to love the idea of being and becoming slim.

You see, the problem is that most people don’t really love.  Not really.

They have this wishy washy, luke warm ‘I’d like to. but it’s so hard’ desire.  I remember reading in a book by David Deida a line saying something like ‘You have to f*** life as you would your woman.’    

Most people think, ‘if only I didn’t have this problem or if only that person was…’  And so because they are busy whining about the parts they wish were different, they end up contaminating the whole thing, in their mind.  

It’s never enough to get rid of problems.  There isn’t a set formula or recipe for life.  You just have to love it so much that you never push it away from you.  

You see, what happens when we fall out with people is that a gap grows between us.  And in that gap, grows up emotional weeds.  Bitternesses, grudges, resentments and so on.  These keep us apart from reconciling our differences, until we end up on opposing sides of a battleground.  Then we get into a defensive mode and ascribe the other with evil motivations and attack, in order, we justify to ourselves, to defend ourself.

photo credit: jonathanb1989 

There are rows and rows of problems lined up along each of our individual path’s.  Any one of them could upset our emotional equilibrium.  So  it is never enough to get rid of problems.  Because all you end up then with, is a problem-free life.  And while that may seem peaceful, it’s boring.  It’s just the respite before the next problem.

You have to love life so much that you want to stay close and connected to it even when problems hit.  To love life enough to go full pelt and carsh and still keep going.  Because then, you do not leave space for the emotional weeds and debris to grow and separate you from your wellbeing. 

If there is a group of people that I find it most difficult to relate to and work with, it’s depressed people.  The way I am, when I talk to people I explore the way they think and sort of walk around inside their mind.  

My God, that feels terrible with a depressed person.  Being in the mind of a depressed person is like being in prison.  Every glimmer of hope is jumped on and smothered.  It’s constraining and claustrophobic.  Just feeling it for a few moments is horrible. 

photo credit: amandabhslater 

But I have a theory of what is at the root of depression (by depression, I mean chronic, climical depression) based on my limited experiences.  It is that depressed people inherently and deeply believe that they are a bad person.

So deeply do they believe this, and so fearful are they of this being uncovered, that they will go to any lengths to avoid looking at themselves.  Every slight perception or feeling of this being pointed out is quickly attacked and denied.  And the person will go to any lengths to avoid the truth, because they believe to reveal the truth is to reveal their evil to the world.

And so as they run off on their endless wild goose chases, they distance themselves from the source of life.  Into the gap grow the emotional weeds, resentments and bitterness.  And so they feel attacked by everyone.  Constantly bombarded.  And exhausted by fighting life.

But the real problem is that they do not love life.  Instead they fear life.  Everything is seen through the perception of how can this harm me, rather than what is lovable about this.

As I have said, I don’t have an issue with making money.  I have an issue with making money in ways that I feel are manipulative or in some other way put barriers between people.  

We are all equal.  All of us struggle with the same issues.  The difference is only in the degree to which they appear in our life.  The difference between a serial killer and someone getting angry at an inconsiderate driver in front of them is only in the intensity and persistence of their hatred.

There is a difference in how quickly we evolve, however and it’s based on how committed we are.  It’s really about emotional willingness.  Every problem has a solution.  It’s just the extent you are willing to go to resolve the issue.

photo credit: degreezero 

The reason why it sometimes takes people one, ten or even twenty years, to overcome certain issues is because they are only dipping their toe in.  Reading a few pages of a book here and there creates slow progress.  

Back when I was learning Neuro Linguistic Programming, we had to model someone in the class with a certain ability.  NLP is based on the idea, that you can find how someone does something and learn how to do it yourself.  And this girl came straight over to me to ask to model a certain attitude.  I’ll tell you what in a moment, but first let me set the context.  

The course was over a number of weekends.  And I was so excited at doing it, that when I came home I would find lots of people to practice on.  I wasn’t great or subtle at it.  Many people thought I was extremely odd.  I didn’t care because I was so interested in finding how this worked.  So every weekend when we came back, I would be proficient in the last week’s skills.  

I was shocked to find that almost everyone else had barely tried.  This wasn’t a cheap course.  And no-one doubted the methods.  They all wanted the skills.  However their fear of embarrassment prevented them from trying.  The result was that I picked up the skills quicker.  And it was this attitude of testing it out without caring that I looked a fool, that she wanted to understand.  

So one problem, is the intensity with which people tackle issues.  But there is another problem…

 

photo credit: rick

Overcoming The Sales Bullshit

In this field of personal growth, or whatever you choose to call it, there is a formula for selling.  It works because it fits into what Buyers already believe.  Which is that they are having a problem because they are missing a piece of the jigsaw and if they can just fit that piece in, all their troubles will be over.  Without too much discomfort or effort.  

And so the story told by the Seller is something along these lines;

“I used to be like you.  But then I found this secret scroll (or forgotten book, new technique etc).  And now I’m better than you.  I have a big house, a big car and shiny white teeth.  And if you pay me $X, you too can be like me.”

I don’t like this approach for a number of reasons.

Firstly, there are no secret formulas.  There are certain big level processes that everyone who finds their way goes through.  They all come to live with integrity.  They all find their own inner guidance and so on.  But there is no one universal therapy, philosophy or technique that will work for everyone.  

“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.” 
Joseph Campbell

The second reason I don’t like this is because it divides people.  It sets some people up as being ‘in the know’.  And so better.  

You see, people usually come across this stuff when they are having a tough time.  However they are emotionally unready to face the real truth of the situation.  So when someone tells them,

“I’ve been there like you.  It’s not your fault.  It’s the Government or a powerful conspiracy covering up the secrets to their success from you.  Here I’ll share them with you.”

They then have a Guide to trust in.  But it’s taking them away from connecting with their own inner wisdom.  

So here’s where I’m at.

My Proposed Solution

I don’t think people’s emotional pain should be manipulated for financial or any other gain.  I will be selling my time and knowledge in various ways.  Because I do believe it has value to some people.  I have spent 20 odd years immersed in this kind of stuff.  I’ve seen people going from having a problem to resolving it over and over again.  Plus I have a weird mind that obsesses over this stuff.  Most people have too much more going on in their life and too much balance to observe and think as I do.  But they can borrow my perspective to get through stuff quicker.

But there’s one thing for someone to recognise the possible alternatives and willingly pay for speed of results.  And it’s a whole other thing to set up a context where it seems you are the Toll-keeper to someone’s peace of mind.

photo credit: Jilles

So here’s my proposed solution.

Over the next 30 days I am setting an open Stress Reduction Challenge to you and anyone else who cares to listen.  I pledge to give everything I can, to co-ordinate, encourage and support people to reduce their stress.  

I will be available for people to call in and talk to one-to-one in order to reduce their stress.  We can set up group mastermind type calls.  

I’ll attempt to get other Bloggers and Coaches to get involved for interviews, group conversations and to provide one-to-one Coaching.

Imagine if we can get 5 or 6 people who do this for a living on a conference call, all who are focused on growth and resolving problems, all with different ways of seeing things and then get a group of people who are stuck with issues.  Each person would be able to look at their problem in such a vastly different way that it would be difficult for them to feel stuck again.

Because it is so deeply focused on one issue, it will be the difference between dipping a toe in and being immersed under water.  And once you’ve consciously done it for one issue, you know it can be repeated.  Therefore people can be free of feeling they need someone else to do it for them.

Now for this to work, we’re going to have to do this together.  So let me know, your thoughts.  

Good idea or bad idea?

Are you in?

Can you help out in some way?  Maybe you’re a Coach, or a great organiser or good design skills or you can tell other people who might find this useful?

What else should be in this that I haven’t mentioned?

Ok so we’re up to the 2^nd step in our 7 Steps to Zero Stress.

Step 1 was to List everything on your mind.

Step 2 is to clarify exactly what the issue is.

Video 1 – How To Deal With Stress

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlAuz9Frs1Q[/youtube]

Video 2 – The Key To Overcoming Stress

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86nQiXUBkTY&[/youtube]

Video 3 – Diane’s Case Study

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-t__lt4ZWZM[/youtube]

Most people try to resolve issues at too general and too broad a scale. For example, say someone has just lost their Parent. If you asked them how they felt about it, they might snap at you, ‘How do you think I feel?’

Underpinning their answer is a common assumption, that everyone feels the same way about things, but actually they vary enormously. I used to Volunteer for the Samaritans. As part of that I took many calls from bereaved people. There was a huge variety of responses, from upset to relieved to delighted. Essentially what the Samaritans do is provide an anonymous place where people can say the stuff they really feel that they couldn’t ever say to someone they knew.

So before you can resolve something, you have to accurately pinpoint the cause.

Somewhere I worked once had a Maintenance Man who was legendary for fixing everything with his hammer. The bigger the problem, the harder he’d hit it. I joked once that I hoped no-one ever asked him to fix the lights, because he’d hit it. I got the reply, ‘It’s funny you should say that because…’

To be a great hunter, engineer, sports person or whatever depends upon greater accuracy. And to be a great processor of life, you have to become more and more accurate at seeing the paths that have led to this situation.

Whatever situation that you are currently experiencing, it didn’t just pop out of the sky. You have been travelling a path to it. It is a conflict between two or more elements.

You have to be here and here.

You have to do this, but you don’t have enough time.

You want this type of relationship, but not with this person.

And usually in a problem situation, there are multiple paths that converge at the point you notice the problem.

Think of a problem as being like a car crash. All the cars involved have travelled from different origins and converged at the point of impact. If any one of them had taken a different turn-off they would not have the crash.

That’s why awareness is so important. The more sensitive your level of awareness is, the earlier you can notice problems. And so you can become sensitive and aware enough to resolve issues before they become problems. Metaphorically, you take a turn off that helps you avoid the car crash.

So you want to identify the strands of the issue, then you want to know where these issues started from. It’s all about breaking everything down into manageable chunks that you can then make decisions on.

I asked for examples I could use to demonstrate this and Diane kindly supplied some. Diane hit me with both barrels. She has many issues to deal with. I’m just going to use three of the issues because otherwise it’s going to seem too repetitive.

Before I get into that though I want to make a point. I’m not great on being empathic or sympathetic, it’s not a strength of mine, and sometimes I can seem hard and insensitive. What I can do well is strip away everything that isn’t relevent and get back to the bare core issues.

The extent to which you can do this is equal to the degree of openness and honesty to which you can be. It’s your mind that’s clouding the issue. So you have to be willing to ask any question and truly examine how you feel about the issue.

Issue – no connection with husband

What does that mean?

What do you want?

In a perfect world, how would that connection look like?

What is the cause (s) of that lack of connection?

Has it always been like that?

What is it that most bothers you?

If he died tomorrow, what would you feel, regret or miss?

If you left him, how would you feel?

When you first got together what attracted you to him?

What aspects of him do you like?

How would it feel to have that connection back?

What would it mean to you?

List the possible ways you could start to get that connection back?

Issues – moved to Florida and son not adjusting well and wants to move back to NY.

In which ways is he not adjusting well?

What exactly is happening that tells you this?

Could you have handled the move differently that would have helped him accept the move and so adjust better?

Is there a possibility of him moving back, you all moving back?

Is his not adjusting well because he thinks he can get you to move back?

Is his trouble adjusting because he is sulking at the move?

If he accepted the move, do you think he would adjust better?

Is his trouble adjusting, your responsibility?

Why is this bothering you?

Do you feel some guilt at his having to move?

Issues – 81-year-old father 2 hours away and needs help because wife came down with dementia. He is going to die soon taking care of her.

Could he move nearer to you?

Could you move nearer to him?

Could you get help for him?

How does he feel about it?

Would She be better in a home?

Are there other ways you could help, such as do their shopping and bills online?

If there is nothing practical you can do, can you support him emotionally?

What are your feelings?

What do you most want to do?

Once you then get all this information, which will probably be easier for you to lay out on paper, you’ll be able to identify the strands of the issue. The next step is to identify the underlying conflict.

What is the underlying conflict for these situations. I don’t know the answers to the questions so I have to make a guess. The first issue is too broad to be worth guessing at. But I’d say the second isssue was based on guilt at the son having to move.

The conflict would be something like;

1. Wanting to be a good parent and wanting the Son to be happy.
2. Needing to move house.

I’d guess that behind the situation with Diane’s father is also a guilt that She feels responsible for caring for him. Yet circumstances hold her back from being able to.

As in most cases stress comes from the conflict of wanting two mutually exclusive things. To be here and here at the same time. To do this and this at the same time.

Once you understand the conflict, you’re ready to move to the next stage. Step 3 will be about making your decision.

You could say it was making and uploading a video for the first time .

Sorry for the delay, but getting to grips with a new technology is always filled with potholes. I would have liked to have made the video better, but I if I was to get anything out this week, it would have to be this.

The written version on what is stress is here and the audio version is here.

Image via Wikipedia

I promised you I had a big idea and here it is. If you’ve read the book ‘Wisdom of Crowds’ you’ll understand the power of focused groups.

None of us is smarter than all of us put together. I’ve always thought of each of us as apart of a cosmic jigsaw puzzle. That together we can make the greater picture, but alone we see only a fraction of it. So having many minds focus on the ideas is like refining and polishing the rough diamond.

The other part that helps us to learn is experience. Ideas are great, they are like the seeds that grow into a great plant, but it is experience that proves or disproves the idea.

Most of us will only have 70 – 100 years of experience. Some people will experience more in that time and some less of course. But none of uswill be able to draw on the breadth of experience that a group can tap into. Which leads me to my idea…

How about a group challenge?

In the next 30 days to Zero-Base your stress levels. What is Zero-Basing? It’s eliminating all stress from your mind, returning your mind to complete emptiness. You may not have experienced this before, but I challenge you to in the next 30 days.

You see, stress is what happens when our system for processing life is slower than the demands life makes on us.

So, over the next 30 days I’ll share my ideas for processing life and reducing stress. Then you can help me polish and refine them through adding your thoughts and through your experiences.

So you’ll have an evolving system to deal with stress. Plus there will be a group here to support you. So you if you have an issue that is causing you stress and you can’t get past it, ask others for help, suggestions or how they have dealt with similar issues.

Or for the next 30 days I will clear a couple of hours most days to take calls so you can call me and I’ll work on the issue with you. There’s a graph of how I see the challenge working below.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

I’ve been doing a lot of study into stress recently. I have searched high and low and I haven’t found any source that adequately explains what stress is or how to effectively deal with it. Almost everything I have come across has been the same old rubbish, regurgitated from 50 odd years ago.

Yet it is probably the easiest personal problem to solve. I’m going to be working with some groups to share my ideas and solutions to reduce stress and I thought of you. I hate waste and it’d be a waste to have ideas that could help you and neglect to share them. So I wondered if stress is something that affects and bothers you.

If it is, please could you reply by adding a comment and share how stress affects you and what you believe would most help you to live without getting stressed. Not something like my boss dropping dead or winning the lottery, but more like having someone to talk to or knowing how to communicate more clearly.

If there is enough interest, I have some information and a big idea that I believe will help, but there have to be enough people involved for it to work.