Part of the bitterness might be caused by talking to you about it.  Here’s what I mean…

People are very invested in their social image.  They care a great deal what other people think of them.  It’s something we’ve been trained into from birth.  

Now when a break up happens, when we feel in some way that we have failed, that we might have lost face, we feel a need to salvage our esteem in the eyes of others.  Not necessarily consciously, often it’s just a response that we aren’t even aware of.

Now due to the way we tend to look at relationships, the sanctity of marriage and so on, there is a lot of pressure on people to make them work.  

So when a relationship breaks up, people often feel a level of guilt and shame that complicates an already difficult issue.

photo credit: garlandcannon 

So there is a certain amount of defensiveness in the way we deal with publicly getting over a relationship.  It might be that the Individual in themself does not feel that bitter, or it might be that they do and part of that bitterness is because they blame the other for bringing shame on them.  For making them fail.  For making them seem gullible or fallible.

But either way, now it has happened, they have to protect the image that people hold of them, much as a Politician has to spin stories to make them more saleable.  It was by reading the work of Steve Duck, the pioneering Psychologist in the field of relationships that I came to understand this.  His research found that the main impact of Relationship Counselling was not to heal relationships, but to give people a story to make them saleable in the dating market.  

In other words, who wants to date a serial abusive, adulterer?   

But I would go further and say that in publicly getting over a relationship, you are also concerned what implications this has, for the way people judge you as a person.  Beyond whether they have any interest in dating you.  

So as they come into contact with people they have to frame the story in a way that shows them in a positive light.  Sometimes that will necessitate admitting their mistakes and so the story will show them as rehabilitated.  And therefore now worthy of esteem and a second chance.

But often it involves putting themselves in a mode of victim.  Rationalising why they were so believable.  So sometimes, for the purpose of protecting their ego (or to portray themselves in a certain light to others), people will have to explain their experience, their history from such a framework.  

However working from that framework, will cause the Individual to experience more bitterness and anger.  Just as anyone who puts themself within any framework of being a victim, in order to make others pity them or to justify their actions, makes themself less and less capable. 

It’s All About How You Frame The Situation

Every emotion and perception we have is caused by the framework we filter our experience through.  So whenever something upsets you, stresses you and you want to change the way you feel, you just have to change the framework you look at the situation through.  Let me explain a little deeper what I’m talking about when I say framework, so that it might make a little more sense to you.

You know how cultures are very different, right?  

photo credit: chany14 

So someone brought up in a remote Amazon tribe will have a very different God.  A very different way of life.  A very different perception of nature and probably a different way of looking at relationships.

You can see these cultural differences in more subtle ways between the Eastern and Western world.  Within Europe there are big differences between the cultures of say the France, Spain and Italy.  Even in the U.K, the U.S and Australia, which essentially stem from the same cultural basis there are noticeable differences.

These differences clearly aren’t genetic, they are caused by our environment.  This can be seen by people who have left one culture for long enough and immersed themself in their new culture.  Their behaviour and standard of what is normal changes by the standards around them.

What is at the root of these cultural differences and standards is the framework through which life is seen.

What Is A Framework?

Life is too big for us to be able to perceive and digest holistically while we are involved with it.  So like viewing an elephant that is right in front of us, we take in one bit at a time.  

photo credit: muztiko 

This is why it is so important that often we detach from the cut and thrust, to get enough distance to see the big picture and put each piece in perspective.

photo credit: quinn.anya 

A framework is a way of structuring what we see around us in a logical, organised sequence.

Perhaps the most powerful and universal framework is of time.  It is in fact so powerful and so pervasive that people forget that it is a framework.  The past and the future seem to happen linearly.  And so we place our experience in a chronological sequence.

Then there are geographic frameworks.  Good and bad frameworks.  Skills based frameworks.  And so on and on.

The point is whichever framework we use, determines our emotional and behavioural response.  Use one and the break up will be prolonged, bitter and painful.  Use a different one and it can be amiable and a relatively positive learning experience.

In other words, caring what others think has a price.  A big price.  

You can either get over the relationship cleanly and with minimal stress or exacerbate the bitterness in return for the hope that you can show yourself in a better light.

Or in my own framework;

You can be right or you can be happy.

What do you think?  How does your experience relate to this concept?  Share your thoughts below and we can delve deeper into this topic.

I knew it might be confusing to contribute so I made a walkthrough video.

But there was no response. No posts, no comments and no emails.

I was shocked and tried to analyse why.

I decided either the technology scared people off, they didn’t want to share their personal life or they wanted to read solutions rather than be a part of the solving process.

However recently I discovered that actually someone had written a page and a few people had set up an account, but hadn’t posted anything. So I thought I’d ask you what I missed and for your thoughts?

There’s a poll below for an easy one click response, but I’d appreciate any comments also.

[poll id="3"]

I found that basically the following factors were commonly listed;

• Mutual respect
• Trust
• Honesty
• Support
• Fairness/equality
• Separate identities
• Good communication

All good things, but I don’t believe you can diagnose the health of a relationship by ticking boxes. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says about a relationship. It only matters what the people in it feel about it.

If you have to ask if it’s healthy than it isn’t.

photo credit: hyperscholar

You don’t have to have a relationship, so if it doesn’t add to your life, why be in it?

I believe a relationship is healthy when you are happy in it and abusive when you are unhappy in it. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you are in a relationship with an abusive Partner, sometimes it’s just the pattern of the way you relate to one another.

Many times people mistakenly attribute things to the other that isn’t actually how they feel, just how they think their Partner feels. Then they behave differently based on that mistaken perception.

You might have noticed that I’m working from a new domain now. The reason for this is that I have updated my philosophy to what I’m now calling Happiness 2.0. This philosophy is based on the idea that it is conflict, in all of it’s forms, that drains us of energy and happiness.

So a healthy relationship is one where conflict, which is inevitable, can be resolved without causing stress and pain. The less stress and pain involved the healthier the relationship. Abusive relationships might take the form of much stress and pain, possibly even physical, because someone doesn’t pass the salt quick enough. Obviously, any more meaningful conflict is going to cause much, much more conflict. And so much more pain.

Ideally a healthy relationship is an outlet for love. You form a relationship because you have a surplus of love that you want to share and focus onto another person. It’s a way to love and be loved. If you enter into a relationship seeking this and it doesn’t match up, you quickly get out.

The only reason to stay was if you needed something. Stick around in this kind of relationship long enough and you’ll soon get disorientated and confused enough to think it might be normal.

What happens in abusive relationships is that two people get together, either running away from something or seeking something. Maybe an abusive parent, another abusive partner, a feeling of loneliness, emptiness or desperation. Then they form an alliance of needs with each other. It’s not an outlet to share love, but a market for transactions.

photo credit: avlxyz

This is an entirely different foundation for a relationship. An outlet for love starts not from lack of love for yourself, but from an excess. So your self esteem, your happiness and your meaning is not dependent on others because you already have a stable base. Therefore their effect on you is not so strong. You are your own compass, not what they think of you.

In contrast a market for transactions begins with me feeling that I am lacking something that I cannot attain alone. Maybe a feeling of loneliness, insecurity, emptiness or not feeling good enough. So I will go out and find someone to cure me or at the least make me feel better.

Now to get what I’m wanting, I feel I have to trade something I have. Maybe it’s sex, it could be looking after him/her or it might be providing money.

Underpinning this transaction though is always an insecurity. What I am trading is not me (which is unique), it is a product or service, in other words a commodity, so what if he/she finds a better deal elsewhere? So both sides are always frightened that the other may leave them, at least until it gets so bad that no longer care, they just want out anyway.

Sometimes they’ll even run scenarios through their mind of the person having left them. So within their own mind the person is about to leave and they think, right I’ll make them pay for leaving me. And they’ll act to punish the person for something they haven’t yet done.

Now there is another important point to this. People will judge that they are in an abusive relationship and they will demonise the Abuser.

Steve Duck talks about something relevant to this in the value of couples counseling. Studies show that in most cases relationship counseling doesn’t fix a relationship. However what it does is create a story as to why the relationship broke down.

This is important because when the individuals move on to dating other people, instead of prospective dates wondering why no-one wants to be with or stick around with this person, they can say ‘my last relationship broke down because… and now I’ve learned from that’.

photo credit: Benimoto

In other words it makes them seem like a more viable partner rather than someone that is untrustworthy or that no-one else wants.

In an abusive relationship it’s easy to say my ex beat me, was controlling etc etc, it wasn’t my fault he is a bad person, I was just unlucky. However there is no value in that to you.

If you then go into another relationship with the same mindset that you entered the previous one, you’re going to walk straight into another relationship that doesn’t work for you.

The hardest thing in life is to be completely honest with yourself. It’s easy to blame others, to find scapegoats for what happens to you, but you’ll never grow and so your results will never change.

Now I know there’s going to be people saying, ‘Abuse is wrong and it’s never deserved’.

I agree.

Nothing I am saying is ever condoning abuse. Nor am I saying it’s deserved.

What I am saying is that if you are not a happy, whole person, by which I mean you do not feel worthy and without need of anyone else to complete or fix you, then you are going to walk into these kind of situations and will not feel you have the strength to get out of them before getting hurt.

To do this you have to be honest with yourself and find out how you got into the relationship and what you were seeking that led you to this person.

Demonising the person and holding onto bitterness is really just a way to avoid facing up to the bugs in your own Operating System that caused this situation. I will elaborate on this in another post, but for now all I’ll say is that nothing happens in isolation. There is a sequence of events that lead you to wherever you are in your life.

Not that this in any way makes you to blame or responsible. I don’t believe in blame. I believe when you understand the dynamics of what is happening and what led you to that situation you can prevent it from ever happening again. I see so much more value in this rather than stumbling out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Hoping or wishing will not change anything. You can only change what you understand. To understand the pattern that led to this relationship will bring you the clarity to avoid it ever happening again.