Clarify To Relieve Stress
Ok so we’re up to the 2nd step in our 7 Steps to Zero Stress.
Step 1 was to List everything on your mind.
Step 2 is to clarify exactly what the issue is.
Video 1 - How To Deal With Stress
Video 2 - The Key To Overcoming Stress
Video 3 - Diane’s Case Study
Most people try to resolve issues at too general and too broad a scale. For example, say someone has just lost their Parent. If you asked them how they felt about it, they might snap at you, ‘How do you think I feel?’
Underpinning their answer is a common assumption, that everyone feels the same way about things, but actually they vary enormously. I used to Volunteer for the Samaritans. As part of that I took many calls from bereaved people. There was a huge variety of responses, from upset to relieved to delighted. Essentially what the Samaritans do is provide an anonymous place where people can say the stuff they really feel that they couldn’t ever say to someone they knew.
So before you can resolve something, you have to accurately pinpoint the cause.
Somewhere I worked once had a Maintenance Man who was legendary for fixing everything with his hammer. The bigger the problem, the harder he’d hit it. I joked once that I hoped no-one ever asked him to fix the lights, because he’d hit it. I got the reply, ‘It’s funny you should say that because…’
To be a great hunter, engineer, sports person or whatever depends upon greater accuracy. And to be a great processor of life, you have to become more and more accurate at seeing the paths that have led to this situation.
Whatever situation that you are currently experiencing, it didn’t just pop out of the sky. You have been travelling a path to it. It is a conflict between two or more elements.
You have to be here and here.
You have to do this, but you don’t have enough time.
You want this type of relationship, but not with this person.
And usually in a problem situation, there are multiple paths that converge at the point you notice the problem.
Think of a problem as being like a car crash. All the cars involved have travelled from different origins and converged at the point of impact. If any one of them had taken a different turn-off they would not have the crash.
That’s why awareness is so important. The more sensitive your level of awareness is, the earlier you can notice problems. And so you can become sensitive and aware enough to resolve issues before they become problems. Metaphorically, you take a turn off that helps you avoid the car crash.
So you want to identify the strands of the issue, then you want to know where these issues started from. It’s all about breaking everything down into manageable chunks that you can then make decisions on.
I asked for examples I could use to demonstrate this and Diane kindly supplied some. Diane hit me with both barrels. She has many issues to deal with. I’m just going to use three of the issues because otherwise it’s going to seem too repetitive.
Before I get into that though I want to make a point. I’m not great on being empathic or sympathetic, it’s not a strength of mine, and sometimes I can seem hard and insensitive. What I can do well is strip away everything that isn’t relevent and get back to the bare core issues.
The extent to which you can do this is equal to the degree of openness and honesty to which you can be. It’s your mind that’s clouding the issue. So you have to be willing to ask any question and truly examine how you feel about the issue.
Issue – no connection with husband
What does that mean?
What do you want?
In a perfect world, how would that connection look like?
What is the cause (s) of that lack of connection?
Has it always been like that?
What is it that most bothers you?
If he died tomorrow, what would you feel, regret or miss?
If you left him, how would you feel?
When you first got together what attracted you to him?
What aspects of him do you like?
How would it feel to have that connection back?
What would it mean to you?
List the possible ways you could start to get that connection back?
Issues - moved to Florida and son not adjusting well and wants to move back to NY.
In which ways is he not adjusting well?
What exactly is happening that tells you this?
Could you have handled the move differently that would have helped him accept the move and so adjust better?
Is there a possibility of him moving back, you all moving back?
Is his not adjusting well because he thinks he can get you to move back?
Is his trouble adjusting because he is sulking at the move?
If he accepted the move, do you think he would adjust better?
Is his trouble adjusting, your responsibility?
Why is this bothering you?
Do you feel some guilt at his having to move?
Issues - 81-year-old father 2 hours away and needs help because wife came down with dementia. He is going to die soon taking care of her.
Could he move nearer to you?
Could you move nearer to him?
Could you get help for him?
How does he feel about it?
Would She be better in a home?
Are there other ways you could help, such as do their shopping and bills online?
If there is nothing practical you can do, can you support him emotionally?
What are your feelings?
What do you most want to do?
Once you then get all this information, which will probably be easier for you to lay out on paper, you’ll be able to identify the strands of the issue. The next step is to identify the underlying conflict.
What is the underlying conflict for these situations. I don’t know the answers to the questions so I have to make a guess. The first issue is too broad to be worth guessing at. But I’d say the second isssue was based on guilt at the son having to move.
The conflict would be something like;
- Wanting to be a good parent and wanting the Son to be happy.
- Needing to move house.
I’d guess that behind the situation with Diane’s father is also a guilt that She feels responsible for caring for him. Yet circumstances hold her back from being able to.
As in most cases stress comes from the conflict of wanting two mutually exclusive things. To be here and here at the same time. To do this and this at the same time.
Once you understand the conflict, you’re ready to move to the next stage. Step 3 will be about making your decision.
