Should We Be Better Or Happy As We Are?

After the last post I was asked a couple of questions. I love these questions because they force me to explain more clearly and precisely. Here I’m answering Craig’s question, there will be a separate post for Jenny’s. But for now here’s Craig’s comment.

So, if ‘bettering ourselves’ means that we first need to look at ourselves and be happy about what we already have, then there would be no need to better ourselves! How then do we determine a reality (I’m trying to avoid the word ‘weakness’ or ’shortcoming’) in ourselves and what is the best way to change this part of ourselves?

Craig, bettering yourself implies you need to find the final piece of the jigsaw. So people go off on a quest for a ‘Holy Grail’ which doesn’t exist.

There’s two parts to being ‘better’. When I wrote the last post, I only had one in mind.

There is better in the sense that a Saint is more kindly, compassionate and warmer to be around than a cold-blooded murderer. Most of us, don’t kill others or give unconditional love, but we are sometimes more generous and kinder than other times.

The second type of better is able to do something. The lack of which holds us back from where we want to get to and causes us a problem.

If you have a problem or weakness, the issue is that maybe you didn’t do as well as you could have done. Or perhaps you needed to develop specific skills that would make you better skilled.

But there is a big difference between bettering yourself and developing better skills.

The problem is that people have this image where they rank someone higher than another’. Maybe because she’s prettier or he’s more intelligent. It’s a common phrase for people to say, ”Í want to better myself.” By which they mean earn more money, gain a job with more social status, become a someone, rather than a nobody.

But people are all equal in worth.

Unique, yes.

Completely different skills and even value to Society, as Society values worth. But these are all a reflection of the Society we are in. A few hundred years ago, Dutch Society valued Tulips as more valuable than many houses. Many Societies value men more than women. Does that make men better?

This relates to the difference between confidence and self-esteem, at least as I define them.

Confidence is how well you rate your chances at doing something. You can be confident at academic tests and have no confidence in social situations. It’s specific to one area.

Self-esteem is how worthy you value yourself overall.

So if you suck at driving, but want to pass your test, you need to improve your driving skills. But being a better driver won’t make you a better person.

Craig said;
So, if ‘bettering ourselves’ means that we first need to look at ourselves and be happy about what we already have, then there would be no need to better ourselves!

What is unhappiness?

Stress, frustration, anger, despair?

Where is your mind’s focus in those times?

It’s obsessing on what has happened or what could happen. So how effectively can you learn a new skill when 50-80% of your mind is somewhere else?

Equally if you are unhappy and someone asks something of you, doesn’t it just seem like another burden to you?

Aren’t you resentful, angry or self-pitying about it? ”How could she ask me that? Doesn’t she know how hard this is for me?”

In contrast when you’re happy where’s your focus?

Right in the now. So learning is easier and more effective because you’ve got more attention on it.

And if the exact same interpersonal situation caught you in a happier mood wouldn’t you be delighted at the chance to make someone happy?

Being happy makes you see situations differently. It’s like looking at the same thing with rose tinted glasses versus without. You see different things. When you’re unhappy you see the trouble and bother, what might go wrong and don’t feel like doing it. When you’re happy you see solutions, what can be done and get enthusiastic about doing it.

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